me: you hear old macdonald’s farm got replaced by artificial intelligence?
him: AI?
me: AI
him: oh
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Wife: this is how monsters are made
Me: [stuffing the turkey with gummy vitamins] we are going to be healthy af.
find these 10 emoji for no good reason
just saw a rat running up the street he’s probably late opening his restaurant
[Nightcap]
Me: *giving tour* and this is my room.
Her: It’s….a….nice.
Me: Let me stop you there. The He-man sheets are purely decorative and in no way a reflection of my prowess in bed.
Thought I would never find true love until a beautiful woman stole my heart.
And my kidneys, and my corneas, and my lungs.
You have an October wedding, I’m bringing a 12 ft skeleton as my plus-one, Tamantha.
Stop with the DiCaprio jokes. They’re getting old.
Swimmer’s ear. Not sure what to do about it. The things you find in the pool filter.
My Aunt Mabel was fond of saying that something was “uglier than homemade sin” but when asked what store bought sin might have looked like, she’d just get pissed.
Me: dance like no one’s watching!
Them: but not naked in the freezer aisle with a frozen turkey to ‘do they know it’s Christmas’!
Wife: Did u load the dishw-
Me: [slowly turning into a dog]
Wife: you can’t just animorph your way out of every argu–aww who’s a good boy?!
Mechanic: the front shocks are shot. Did you hit a pothole?
Me: yes but I winced, patted the dash & said I was sorry so it can’t be that.
[After performing the Dirty Dancing lift at our wedding]
ME: Well that sure impressed them!
WIFE [gasping for breath] You’re getting heavier
The British are coming! Get ready! Oh wait they’re coming by boat. We have like three months
[parent-teacher conference]
Teacher: Which kid is yours?
Me: I don’t have kids. I just heard the teachers here are hot.
T:
M: How you doin’?
A man has been jailed for forging banknotes.
He also got a big fine which he immediately paid in crisp $9 notes.
Sorry to the guy in the car having to witness me checking for boogers in his tinted windows.
Look, you invented bread and I invented knives. Let’s combine forces and we could be the best thing since…well we’ll think of that later.
Craft beer drinkers when someone hands them a pint of actual motor oil
My wife and I have decided we don’t want to have children.
So we are going to tell them tonight at dinner.
Oh no I got so excited that you texted me that I accidentally replied 11 thousand times and then swung into your house on a rope
BATMAN: I have invested billions in the most state-of-the-art technology to combat crime in this city
GOTHAM: Great! How can we reach you?
BATMAN: Pray for clouds and point this lamp at the sky while I’m beneath the earth in a cave please
Him: what are you doing with that chocolate cake?
Me: Don’t talk to me or my cake ever again!
They’re a pack of lions
He’s some guy who hates lions
Together, they’re:
PRIDE AND PREJUDICEThis fall on CBS
nothing makes me feel appreciated at work more than management sweetly saying “have you been helped?” because they have no idea i work here
If Spotify has taught me anything, it’s that I don’t know the correct lyrics to any of my favourite songs.
Iron Man: I’ll hack into their security.
Hulk: HULK SMASH DOOR!
Thor: I’ll silence their guards.
Captain America: What’s a microwave?
Prom Date: [coming down stairs in dress] How do I look?
Me, super woke cool guy: You look empowered & worthy of equal salary compensation
7YO changed her favorite princess to Anna and now my four year investment in Elsa is worth diddly-squat
The key to losing weight is to eat like you’re in a video game — don’t bother with it 99% of the time until you’re about to die