Oh no I got so excited that you texted me that I accidentally replied 11 thousand times and then swung into your house on a rope
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When it’s ok to bother me before my morning coffee:
1- I’m on fire
2- You’re on fire
3- The coffee maker is on fire
4- Something had frickin’ well better be on fire
People are always like “you’re so crazy” and I’m all like “please take off the restraints, I promise I won’t do it again”.
interviewer: any questions?
me: yes, what are your strengths?
You Tolkien to me?
Hobbit de Niro.
#JRRTolkienDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
the look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
if ghosts r real why are there no dinosaur ghosts? think about that, but u won’t bc i just blew your mind with something called logic, idiot
9yo: Can I have McDonald’s for supper?
Me: Let me think about it
9yo: *gives me a hug*
9yo: Did that help?
The one night I drag the lawn chair into the yard, I see a neighbor I haven’t seen in 3 years and she has a shovel. Is this how it all ends?
*family reunion*
– flirting shouldn’t be this easy
[while listening to halloween sounds cd I bought] spooky huh [friend on road trip with me] yeah but got anythin else its like a 6 hour drive
Our dog runs away so much, I’m just going to spray paint our phone number on her side.
Sorry I was late I was trying to separate my shopping cart from another one
Who told cauliflower it can be anything it wants?
[during sex]
Can you please take your Fitbit off.
interviewer: one last question, name the coldest place on earth?
me: my ex’s heart
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: [holding back tears] you’re hired !!!
Stop pronouncing it “pecan.” Everyone knows it’s “pecan.”
Wait, so hallways in mental institutions aren’t called psychopaths? Well they should be.
*takes off sunglasses*
Me: Okay, weigh me now.
Talking scales: *sigh* You weigh the same but look a lot less cool.
“Any new year’s resolutions?”
“No thank you”
UK Scientist: We’ve engineered a new species of cyanobacteria
U.S. scientist: We’ve made pigs in a blanket 50% piggier
Roe v Wade is my favorite bitter controversy about the best way to cross a small river.
AC changed midlife crisis to kidlife crisis & now 5 is leaving me for a younger dad that drives a sports car
My therapist sure does pronounce “awesome” a lot like “narcissism”
Gave this artichoke the heimlich maneuver and now he’s artiokay.
“Can you describe your self in two words?”
– Lazy.
True freaking story!
Me squiggling in heated car seat: now I know what meat in a crockpot feels like
I was going through a stack of yearbooks yesterday when I saw I was voted “Most Likely to Steal all These Damn Yearbooks”.
Co-Worker: Can I get a quick word?
Me: Velocity.
Co-Worker: …
I hope the zombies start with people that talk to me when I’m obviously counting.