“Any new year’s resolutions?”
“No thank you”
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If it looks like I’m typing for five minutes I’m really just trying to spell diarrhea.
[cat diary day 2]
ok the guy just came and stole my poop again wtf
Therapist: So you had another breakthrough?
Kool-Aid Man: Look I am so sorry we were making so much progress
One of the fake rooms at Ikea should just be a couple fighting as they try to put the furniture together
Tried to impress 9 by making up sentences containing 3 of her vocabulary words at once, so now she knows what “nerd” means.
[ My unaired House hunters episode ]
Realtor: So what’s your budget?
Me: My budget?
Realtor: And why do you have a rifle carrying case with you?
Me: [zipping case closed and breaking down tripod] I think I misunderstood the title of the show.
2022 be like
I’ll interrupt important meetings with random dance-offs against the superintendent, just to remind him who really runs the prison.
BOSS: We need to improve morale
ME: Okay
BOSS: How about an office party?
ME: [crosses out “replace coworkers with puppies”] I guess
Options For My Knees Being Shaved:
1. Perfectly shaved smooth with at least one serious cut per knee.
2. No cuts but patches of hair left.
3. Sasquatch.
It’s my favorite time of year, the time when everyone puts their clothes back on and goes inside.
That awkward moment when mom says 3 is the perfect number of kids to have, but you’re her 4th
*opens assassination store*
*makes a killing*
[two women sunbathing in garden]
“It’s so nice out here”
“Where’s that creepy guy who lives next door?”
HEDGE “He’s away for the weekend”
USPS: does this package contain any perishables
me, in a cake, in the box: I’LL BE FINE
My GF just passed the Bar. Not only will I be a stay at home Dad Im suing everyone.
I hate when that happens.
Sitting in my car eating McD’s, and I hear a quiet voice behind me go:
“Here, we have The Fat Woman in her natural habitat..”
Rude coworker said something very dumb & mean to me.
She blamed it on pregnancy brain.
I asked her if she was having triplets.
I have the ‘Luck of the Irish!’ Unfortunately it’s the ‘Great Potato Famine’ era ‘Luck of the Irish’.
I finally opened the condom in my wallet and it had a beard.
oh to be a capybara in an open air bath with an orange on its head
My 9-year-old is very passionate about learning to play the piano. She’s even more passionate about learning to play the piano at 6:37 in the morning.
If Superman were a realtor, he could describe literally any apartment in the world as ‘a stone’s throw from the beach’.
Me: Since the kids are spending the night at Grandma’s, we FINALLY have the chance to sleep in.
Smoke alarm battery: Not if I can help it.
Asking me for advice is like asking broccoli to fix your bicycle.
Job interview…
H- “So how would you describe yourself?”
Me- “Verbally but just incase I prepared a dance”..
Allah? Oh shit. I’ve been praying to Alan
I have a firm understanding of basic math.
Example: I have two cupcakes and I’m going to eat them both.
RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…