@chadhartigan

RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists

Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…

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@Scottzilla667

Boss: Our toilet is fixed.
M: I can stop pooping at ur house.
B: You’re using the bathroom at my house?
M: There’s a bathroom at ur house?

@talliedar

If I ever become rich, you know where all my money is going?

To the bank

@cpsemple

Sugar Daddy is just slang for high-fructose cornfather.

@Dawn_M_

I used 5 different things as a napkin today and one of them was my neighbour.

@HatfieldAnne

I feel like movies exaggerate men’s enthusiasm for having meaningful conversations while playing pool.

@murrman5

[coworker interrupting my story about how my weekend was] first of all McDonald’s doesn’t even have soup

@panmidwest

[waiter brings plate of seaweed wrapped sushi]
ME-what do I do with this?
W-eat it lol
M-all of it?
W-yes
M-alright..[nervously bites plate]

@ch000ch

i started vaping to fit in with my friends, who are mostly steam whistles

@UnFitz

Surprise a beautiful person today by disagreeing with them.

@rusty_coach

Everybody’s big on freedom until they find you passed out naked on their boat