RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists

Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…

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Boss: Our toilet is fixed.
M: I can stop pooping at ur house.
B: You’re using the bathroom at my house?
M: There’s a bathroom at ur house?


If I ever become rich, you know where all my money is going?

To the bank


Sugar Daddy is just slang for high-fructose cornfather.


I used 5 different things as a napkin today and one of them was my neighbour.


I feel like movies exaggerate men’s enthusiasm for having meaningful conversations while playing pool.


[coworker interrupting my story about how my weekend was] first of all McDonald’s doesn’t even have soup


[waiter brings plate of seaweed wrapped sushi]
ME-what do I do with this?
W-eat it lol
M-all of it?
M-alright..[nervously bites plate]


i started vaping to fit in with my friends, who are mostly steam whistles


Surprise a beautiful person today by disagreeing with them.


Everybody’s big on freedom until they find you passed out naked on their boat