RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…
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Daughter didn’t want “sunscream” so I put her outside and yelled “SUN…. GET HER” and now she’s flipping out.
This throwing coins in the wishing well is taking too long…
I’m going in myself.
Nothing in the world is more important to a child than seeing what you just showed another adult on your phone.
if you compliment a dude’s shirt, you better mean it, because that’s the only shirt he’ll wear out for the next five years.
Apologies to my husband for the things I muttered about him when I thought he’d finished my chocolate
Me: Table for four, please. And can we get some crayons?
Her: Will there be children dining today?
Me: No. The crayons are for me.
I apologize to everyone that I’ve ever offended.
Just kidding. Could you imagine?
I bet Jesus got tired of hearing, “This gift is for Christmas AND your birthday.”
“It’s a dog-eat-dog world.”
– Hannibal Labradoodle
Watching the end credits of a movie so you can take note of the producer & director and never ever watch anything else that they make
●︿●
I have a bad habit of starting things and never finishing them.
Let’s all be thankful I’m not a surgeon.
teacher: sometimes i think you’re failing spelling on purpose. but what’s the angle
me: that thing with the harp and wings
teacher: never mind
Me on the toilet: HEY I NEED SOME TOILET PAPER
6: *running around dressed like a mummy* we’re all out
I make a lot of jokes about my husband and they’re all true, but sometimes I forget to mention how lucky he is with me as a wife.
Today I burned spinach.
“We should get a bell so that when we need you we can just ring it” – my child, hiring me as his servant
Just called my friend’s office & asked for Gary. The receptionist said “Which Gary?” WHICH GARY?? HOW MANY GARYS YOU GOT? 2 MANY GARYS #GARY
Playing chicken with the confidence that you cannot lose 😁
Losing 😲
Why aren’t you flourishing? Flourish, you piece of shit.
Friend: I’m visiting the U.K. this summer. Should I pack for warm weather or cold weather?
Me: yes
KID: *is crying over school drama*
ME: Don’t worry, kid. All this anxiety and insecurity will diminish as you get older-
KID: *smiles hopefully up at me*
ME: and turn into an ominous fear that’ll follow you to the grave.
*slaps the cup out of the barista’s hand*
“No. I want Asriel, the guy with the man-bun, to make my latte. He has a better energy”
My former boss’s wife posted a photo of their youngest child on Facebook and I commented, “you’re right, he does look just like me!”
And now we wait…
My kid says that I make the best brownies in the world, so I told her that some day she can make brownies as good as mine and now I’m praying that Duncan Hines doesn’t go out of business before then
I’d survive scream bc i don’t answer the phone ever
Seductively calls you out on your bullshit.
Just kidding, I don’t do anything seductively.
I told my 5yo we weren’t going to read an extra story at bedtime so in protest he took his pillow and a blanket and went to sleep in my laundry basket filled with clothes. I wish I was making this up.
[the next jurassic park movie]
ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!
ME: Why do people keep coming here…?
Me- owns 2 pairs of pants
My 8 month old, who has no where to go-
My coffee maker isn’t working and I can’t help but think that I could come up with a solution if I only had some coffee
Sadly, the days of people using proper English are went.