teacher: sometimes i think you’re failing spelling on purpose. but what’s the angle
me: that thing with the harp and wings
teacher: never mind
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Recipe:Add wine and cook out the alcohol.
Me: Whaaaaaa?
“I need a beer, you want one?”
– me, helping my son with his Legos
Benefits of not being conventionally attractive:
-Less pressure
– you know people are being genuine when they laugh at your jokes
– can summon crows to do your bidding without fanfare unlike hot villains like Maleficent
Cool Ranch Doritos are just like regular ranch Doritos except every chip wears a little pair of aviators.
*man choking*
Is there a doc in the house?
*Dr Pepper rises*
*searches man’s pockets*
Hey ur no doctor!
*moustache falls off*
*it’s Mr Pibb*
Teachers are getting ridiculous with sending out homeschooling projects.
We have an English and History assignment due in two days and we don’t even have kids.
ME [buying a packet of bird seed] so how many birds will I be able to grow?
having twitter is just like reading the newspaper except the newspaper is on fire and all the writers hate you
*requests Uber* *climbs in backseat*
Uber driver: “Where to?”
Me: “oh, nowhere. I just don’t like to change my diaper in the street.”
Random person outside of Target: is it ok if I pray for you?
Me: sure! While you’re at it can you pray they never find the knife and blood soaked clothes I buried? Kthanks!
Retweet this and something good will happen at some point in the near future that you can choose to attribute to having retweeted this.
The Ten Commandments of Ayn Rand #XmasAMovie
Me: *finally finds the motivation to do a computer task that I’ve been procrastinating for months*
Laptop: TIME TO UPDATE LOSER
I got my DNA results back and found out I’m 15% “Other” and now I’m ready for the mothership to come and take me home.
11 lost a tooth the other day. He threw his tooth in the garbage, walked over to my wallet and took out $2.
He’s a better tooth fairy than I ever was.
I starting to think putting a lime in a coconut and drinking it all up isn’t even actual medical advice.
Handing the bus driver a $50 bill and telling him “Just drive”.
Irritating friend: I passed your house yesterday.
Me: Thanks. I really appreciate that.
Please stop telling me how long your baby is in inches. I need something more visually relatable. Oh, your baby was 3.5 hot dogs long? Cool.
Well, well, well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own food choices.
New guy: I really like your name
Me: Thanks I got it for my birthday
The best part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work
The worst part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work.
Do you remember when the most annoying thing on the Internet was a dancing baby?
Yeah, good times
britain’s three elite institutions
A video clip of me, supposedly from 1941, wearing pigtails and standing on the moon has been misrepresented and proven to be a hoax, fact checkers say.
Boyfriend just put “fresh ginger” on the shopping list.
I’m not even 30 and he’s already replacing me. 🙁
me: can I wish for infinite wishes?
genie: no, you only get 3
me: I wish 3 meant infinite
genie:
me:
genie: *sigh* alright what else?
me: telephones but for dogs.
[Garden of Eden]
Adam: [petting the first dog] I’m gonna call you Man’s best friend
Eve: I thought I was your best friend?
Adam: I love you
Eve: aww I love you too
Adam: oh…I was still talking to the dog
Every once and a while you come across a person full of zest for life, that person is the reason they invented chloroform.
Based on the incessant amount of times the song is sung in our house we are definitely talking about Bruno.