*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘tomb’ eleven times during interview at Supercuts.
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*finds baby on doorstep*
Me: Should…should we keep it?
Wife: …Let’s sleep on it
Me: (wide-eyed) Christ Deborah that’d kill him
Don’t shoot until you see the whites of their eyes!!
The other side: *has jaundice wins the war*
When you forgot you made garlic sauce with the sour cream, and then proceed to bake banana bread.
Anyone want some garlic banana bread?
I took a girlfriend to a fancy bakery for Valentine’s and she picked out a bunch of things that she then gave to her dad because she said sugary baked goods gave her yeast infections, so really I treated her dad to a really nice Valentine’s Day
Never call it a guest room.
That’s just asking for trouble.
Grocery store bagger: need help out to your car?
me: *gets in the cart* yes.
Boobytrap backwards is partyboob.
Moving on.
this will hang in the louvre one day
Your life flashes before your eyes right before you die. It takes an average of 70-80 years.
4: mom was i in your tummy?
me: yep!
4: who is in there now?
me: no one
4: then why is it so big?
husband: oh no
“What’s the most important thing that is missing from your sex life?”
Me: A partner
You act like you’ve never seen a grown woman ride a carousel horse without kids.
Love is in the air fryer.
I’ve been filming the couple next to me on this flight for the last 45 minutes hoping they’ll do something that could go viral. No good content so far (the woman looks very uncomfortable and the man keeps threatening to have me arrested)
Just sold my homing pigeon on eBay for the 22nd time.
2yo: Me sick *sneezes in my face*
Me: Oh good, what fun plague am I going to catch now?
cake decorator: do you want an exclamation point after “happy birthday”?
me: no, my son wanted more of a somber motif for his sixth birthday
BANK: Someone made fraudulent charges with your debit card
ME: Wait… how do you know it wasn’t me
BANK: They entered the PIN correctly on the first try
ME: Dear god
Moms have an amazing superpower: we can speak at full volume without anyone hearing us.
Zombie: Braaaains
Me: What’s the magic word?
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie (embarrassed): ᴾˡᵉᵉᵉᵉᵃˢˢˢᵉ
Net flips and krill?
– killer whale text
We had 3 kids, I don’t remember their names and they somehow find us even after we move
I feel like IBM isn’t being roasted enough for their company name.
the crazy thing about being a woman is regardless of how much you grow and what you achieve, we will never be entirely safe from the sudden urge to get bangs
Her: Hi! How’ve you been?
Me: Great! You?
Her: So good! Family?
Me: Great! Yours?
Her: Good!
Me: Let’s catch up soon.
Her: Definitely! Call me.Husband: Who was that?
Me: I have no idea.
[Outside liquor store]
Underage kid: Hey mister, can you buy me some beer?
Me: Sure, if you show me how stories on Instagram work I’ll buy you black tar heroin.
This Coke-Pepsi debate makes me laugh sometimes. It’s frigging cola. Who cares?
Says the guy who is horrified that people like Skippy peanut butter when there’s Jif.
waiter: can i start you off with something to drink?
me: milk for me please
date: [visibly disappointed]
me: uh make that 2 milks
Feel like these super villains wouldn’t have to steal so much if they didn’t insist on paying for all their goons to be wearing the same outfit.
Please stop inventing new slang words so quickly. I’m having trouble not becoming my grandmother.