4: mom was i in your tummy?
me: yep!
4: who is in there now?
me: no one
4: then why is it so big?
husband: oh no
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Someone should have warned me, that when you have kids, they talk to you, like, ALL. THE. TIME.
General: Why is the whole battalion yellow and slimy?
Me: I mustard the troops.
General: …
Me: Just as you told me to, sir.
Me:Thank you, he’s so hot I don’t even know what I want to do first…Grandma: (interrupting) Okay, can someone else say the prayer please?
Does anybody know what date Easter is this year? And if so, what are you, obsessed with Easter
Me: I was so happy before I lost my forearms in that shark attack
Therapist: How do you feel now?
Me: With my elbows
STOP disrespecting my family
my mom is THOUGHTFUL AND STRONG
my dad is PRINCIPLED AND SINCERE
my brother is SELFLESS AND KIND
me
my grandmother is A SAINT
How can I get invited to one of these knife fights everyone keeps talking about? Can we do it over zoom
My life is like a Disney movie in that I’m grumpy, dopey, sleepy, and sneezy most of the time and I once got caught brushing my hair with a fork
Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see
yea yea make ur OJ jokes but remember…ur friends who committed double homicide and were acquitted due to flawed prosecution and the backdrop of mounting racial tensions can also see the jokes 🙁
Olive Garden said “when you’re here, you’re family” so I always bring a family therapist, a lawyer, a young priest, and an old priest with me, in case they are anything like mine.
I was bored.
I’m thrilled that you found Jesus. Where was he hiding?
Stop breeding everything with poodles!!!
My friend is mad because I called her baby the cutest little freak show. The CUTEST tho… it’s like she missed that part.
Alright pregnant ladies-this is YOUR BIG DAY!!!!!!
#LaborDay
The best part about Facebook is never having to wonder what your acquaintance’s baby is doing all day everyday day.
Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves peanut butter…
Her: Mmmm. Where would you like me to put it?
Me: *hands her bread*
WIFE: Why are you wearing camo?
ME: Crap. You can see me?
WIFE: Put those cookies back.
When I tell prospective employers that I’m open to new challenges what I mean is I will immediately find ways to hide in plain sight, arrive late and leave early.
“Chantal, is the indicator working?”
“Yes. Wait, no. Now again yes. No. Yes. No.”#FridayMorning #RubbishJokes
sorry kids, Santa is a super spreader.
I don’t like to insult women, but I’m not a big fan of my boyfriend’s other girlfriend.
Me: What do you say when someone shows you a pic of their ugly baby?
Friend: Just make a comment like “Look at all that hair!”
[looking at pic later on]
Me: Look at all that nose!
All I’m saying is if you really want someone to dance with you, you probably shouldn’t tell them to shut up.
“Honey, have you seen the baby? I haven’t seen the baby since I asked you to throw out the bath wat–OH DEAR GOD!!” – birth of an expression
{Reaching adulthood}
ME: Oh, good, turns out no one knows what they’re doing.{2 minutes later}
ME: Oh, wait, seriously?? NO ONE KNOWS WHAT THEY’RE DOING??
It’s funny, when I walk into a spider web I demolish his home and misplace his dinner yet I still feel like the victim.
that feeling when u realize u just ate 1/2 a sticker
Buy followers?
No thanks. I’m married so I spend enough money on people I don’t talk to