All I’m saying is if you really want someone to dance with you, you probably shouldn’t tell them to shut up.
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I got lost from my family at Target and when they finally found me my 10-year-old said, “see I told you she would be by the candles.”
My boyfriend hates my driving, but it’s ok because he’s imaginary.
[sermon]
There will come a day when Christ will drive out evil from our land, and it will be the Judgment Day!
*T-1000 shifts nervously*
“Involve your toddler in cooking!” …so dinner can take 35 minutes longer to make and they still won’t eat anything.
Remember: You can kill someone and wear their skin as a suit, but it’s not identity theft until you use their debit card. Be smart about it.
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember where he parked.
ME: I’m so hungry I could greet a horse
FRIEND: “Eat” a horse
ME: No watch this. Hello Mr horse
HORSE: [gives me a taco]
Ugh what’s with all the free range organic baby food crap? My parents fed me Wonder bread and jelly and guess what, I miraculously grew into an adult. I mean, not a functioning one. But still.
Things I’ve Learned From Horror Movies:
•Don’t have sex, you’ll die.
•Don’t leave the group, you’ll die.
•Don’t be black, you’ll die first.
Sure my kids were embarrassed when I asked to have a manager come to our table, but the menu didn’t list a 50¢ charge for extra ranch dressing and I’m hella pissed.
Date: Once I dated a guy who wore those sneakers that light up when you walk lmao
Me *daren’t move* haha what a loser
I get it, people who leave Styrofoam everywhere. it is heavy and hard to pick up and put in the trash.
Honey Boo Boo evolves into Sugar Scab! Pokemon is back baby!
“Be there in 5,” I text, though I am 30 minutes away, completely nude, and engaged in a fist fight with a neighbor.
[interview at Bass Pro Shops]
So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: *dressed in camouflage* Wait, you can see me?!
If you’re looking for an experimental couple, we’re trying a new chicken recipe tonight, hit us up.
I await the announcement that Trump’s running mate will be Charlie Sheen.
ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.
CO-PILOT: …What?
*Cleans house*
*looks at family*
“I’m going to have to ask you to leave”
Save time sledding with kids by just throwing away one mitten before you even leave the house
Mmmmm white people
– sharks
I can’t believe Halloween was 10 pounds ago.
A picture so sexy my computer just covered my eyes.
That’s what I call a flat tire
IT: You deleted the OS?
Me: I think so.
IT: It didn’t warn you?
Me: Yeah, but it only kinda warned me. What’s with the inquisition bro?
Hey man, best wishes. And I’m not just saying that because I’d be the number one suspect if something happened to you.
you: let’s get this bread
j.d. salinger, an intellectual: let’s catch this rye
Homebuyers tip: Bring a little ball to the open house and place it on the floor. If it rolls on its own, then either the house is not level (bad) or the spirit of a young child haunts the property (depends).
I’m so glad we have a house full of toys for me to trip over so my child can run around happily clutching an old dvd
A Free Range Chicken is easy to spot due to it’s backpack & rugged little hiking boots