I get it, people who leave Styrofoam everywhere. it is heavy and hard to pick up and put in the trash.
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Everyone else at the table can order a margarita at 10a.m., but I ask for a cup of queso with a straw, and suddenly I’m the one with the problem.
Brain: What day of the week did the 1st calendar day ever fall on? Do the math!
Me: Seriously?! It’s 2AM and I’m leading a meeting tomorrow
I think I could be a pretty good boxer as long as the other guy isn’t allowed to hit me.
There’s an old sheet of paper in the Batcave with “Carrier pigeons” “Carrier bats (??)” “Morse code” crossed out, and “Searchlight” circled.
Six feet under.
– Yoda, explaining why he was turned away from riding the roller coaster
Throughout the entire Twilight saga, there are over 24 minutes of just staring.
The pandemic has made it nearly impossible for me to get piggyback rides from strangers, so I’m really over it.
Would I understand the music of Dua Lipa if I haven’t first heard any songs by Uno Lipa?
My retirement plan is to close myself up in a Murphy bed to hide from a disgruntled landlord
why tf did we learn state capitals?? when has anyone ever “topeka is the capital of kansas”’d their way out of a real problem
YOU CAN’T BUY HOT POCKETS YOU CAN ONLY BUY COLD POCKETS YOU ARE EXPECTED SUPPLY THE HEAT YOURSELF DONT BELIEVE THE LIES.
telling all stories about twitter 2.0
#RIPTwitter #TwitterMigration #twitter2.0 #TwitterIsDead
Me: Look pal, I’m not some princess that needs to be rescued, ok?
Bagger: Ma’am, we help everyone with their groceries.
Me: Fine! One date.
Me: Whatcha got there? Oh, I see the garbage pail kids are making a comeback for Christmas this year.
Neighbor: This is my nephew.
Friend: You’re so calm and quiet lately- I like this peaceful side of you
Me [my brain rotating like an insanely out-of-control taffy machine]: haha thanks
If I was a marriage counselor, I’d just make the couple log on to any dating app for 2 min.
My kid gave me 75 cents for being her mom, so either we need to work on math or I’m a really shitty parent
*tornado takes out half of my house*
Me: (without looking up from my phone) hey guys is the internet not working for you?
[FIRST DATE]
Her: I’m a vegan
Me: [*trying to impress her] People hate me too
[police lineup]
COP: number three step forward and say the phrase on your card
ME: who says you can’t pull your chair right up to the buffet?
WITNESS: omg yes that’s him, officer
No one is in denial more than a mom who brings a book to the pool
“Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit!” – When man discovered bears can climb trees as well
I haven’t asked any of my coworkers what they’re doing for Thanksgiving bc I treat people the way I want to be treated.
Woman on bus just pulled her mask down to cough.
The three genders.
I can’t undo my mistakes. All I can do is make more mistakes and hope the original one gets diluted.
Her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride dolphins
Me: i’m taking a plane Linda
Got kicked out of the supermarket for aggressively cuddling the peaches again
Imagine if we didn’t have Google and still relied on encyclopedias to find out “Why poop green?”
*travels back in time just to slap some guy across the cheek with a glove and call him a scoundrel*