I get it, people who leave Styrofoam everywhere. it is heavy and hard to pick up and put in the trash.
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What idiot called it “insomnia” and not “resisting a rest”?
Friend: You can improve your visual acuity with carrots
Me: *shoving a carrot into each eye* You better be right about this, Gary
doctor: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
doctor: *notices my “gamers don’t die they just respawn” shirt* you can just say yes
Batman Begins Crossdressing #AddAWordRuinAMovie
My youngest kid quit liking cheese, so now I have to eat it for the both of us
[the ghost of christmas future points at my grave] finally im dead [i lay down in the grave] stop kicking me ghost im not learning anything
N V B K I T H E K L O P F
I N V E N T O R Z S F O F
T H E E F G H J I O L P L
Y Q W O R D S E A R C H
H A S J P O D I E D G W
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “redacted”
KID: ████████
JUDGE: correct
when i mistake a brief silence during an argument with my wife as my turn to speak
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I always assume people with red cars were drunk when they went to the dealership.
Everyone makes fun of Aquaman, but he’s got it all figured out.
He spends all day chilling in the water.
His life is one big pool party.
[first day as a pharmacist]
CUSTOMER: the antacid I took isn’t working.
ME: *leans in close* that’s cuz you’re not an ant..
“I DO NOT DRINK TOO MUCH!!” I scream angrily at the neighbors garden gnome
Me: The dog gives me more kisses because he loves me the most.
Him: No, it’s because you never wipe the ice cream off your chin.
Me: “Oh no, it’s Scream!”
Ghostface: “It’s actually Ghostface.”
Me: {Being stabbed} “Scream, stop!”
Ever read stuff here on social media and then think to yourself, “Why is NASA diverting asteroids? Just let them come.”
If anybody asks, we met teaching Sunday school.
ME: I wish all of my enemies would randomly feel a crunch when they’re eating something definitely not crunchy
SATAN: holy shit
Writing cuss words on the white space of textbook pages is marginally offensive.
My million dollar invention is a microwave that stops beeping when you yell, “I hear you!” from across the house.
MORPHEUS: April fools!
NEO: ?
M: There’s no Matrix.
N: What?
M: You’ve been drugged, son.
N: WTF
M: We’ve been harvesting your organs.
[Cat outside bathroom door]
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
I’M DYIIIIING
Oh
Hi there
Thanks for letting me-
I’m bored
I want out
LET ME OUT
At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?
[third date]
Her: please quit calling me Jenny
Me: oh my apologies Jennifer
Her: my name is Amanda
I’m at the point in my life where my favorite Mexican restaurant is based solely on how big the margaritas are.
It’s Mother’s Day Eve so remember to leave out a bottle of wine for Mom when she comes down the chimney.
Daughter: How was your day, Daddy?
Me: Pretty busy, lots of meetings and deadlines.
Her: DEAD LIONS!?!
I hope 2016 doesn’t get renewed. The plot is ridiculous and none of the characters are likable.
Absence does not make the heart grow fonder.
Unless you’re talking about Oreos.
If you don’t think government is inefficient and wasteful, explain how the Census Bureau has been around so long yet we still use Fahrenheit