I’m at the point in my life where my favorite Mexican restaurant is based solely on how big the margaritas are.
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I’m just saying, if we can genetically alter animals, why haven’t we designed a fly that can find its own way out of a house?
Me: (to myself) what is wrong with you
Myself: (to me) oh like you don’t know
“This smoothie is spicy!”
“Ma’am, that’s salsa.”
Son, when I was your age…I moved from New Jersey to California and met this old man that taught me karate so I could defend myself against bullies and enter the All Valley Karate Tournament.
Son: That wasn’t you
Not sure what a Shakira coochie board is but white people really like it
big announcement, i’m working on a new horror property
Leaving my browser history open in case anyone in this coffee shop tries to steal my laptop when I’m in the bathroom.
me: raising kids is the most rewarding thing you’ll ever do
kidnapper: just pay the ransom, I’m not keeping them
Buried bones of a famous crime family might be located at an Olive Garden. “When you’re here, you’re family.”
I just watched an ad for a stain remover in which they cleaned a pool of blood off a sofa and it seemed perfectly normal.
We have completed this week’s homework and can sum the whole experience up by saying that I’d have preferred to have done a week’s worth of washing instead. Twice.
GENIE:3 wishes
ME:Can I wish for more?
G:No
M:I wish u couldn’t count
G:Done. How many do u have left?
M:A billion
G:
M:
G:That sounds right
My patience is like a gift card, not sure how much is left but lets give it a try
Do you have to go to the bathroom?
No
You sure?
Yes
How about now?
No
Now?
No
[movie begins]
Daddy?
FOR CRYING OUT LOUD
A nicer way to tell someone their breath stinks is to say “I’m bored, let’s go brush your teeth!”
A gym so fancy they call it a James.
Honey, can we skip that wedding this weekend?
“What? Why?”
It sounds boring and there’s no way that couple makes it..
“It’s OUR wedding!”
instagram: look at my new boyfriend
twitter: I can’t get a boyfriend
reddit: my [21F] boyfriend [53M] boyfriend forbids me from going into the basement and has a sock drawer full of missing women’s driver’s licenses, AITA for being uncomfortable? the wedding is in three hours
ME: eat your veggies so you grow up big and strong
SON: *looks me up and down* you didn’t eat your veggies, did you
ME: *under breath* damn, son
Doctors say “internal bleeding” like it’s a bad thing. Blood is supposed to be internal, idiots.
My company has a nicotine like addiction to conference calls.
Dog tried taking me for a run. I wasn’t having it. I made her drag me the whole time.
Her: Whats that mouth do boo?
Me: Probably say something stupid.
[at a bar]
*creepy dude is hitting on me*
Me: you wanna get outta here?
Him: yeah
Me: cool. I would love it if you left.
A secret about trees is that nobody knows which are which. The most confident member of any party will simply say ‘That is a Dutch Elm’ and everybody will agree. But nobody actually knows. Nobody went to tree school. It’s a woodland grift. You stand in a copse of lies.
I don’t care what color or creed you are. Or what your religion is. Do not eat my work sandwich.
[moving her panties to the side]
HEY MAA, I’M MAKING ROOM FOR MY LEGOS IN YOUR UNDERWEAR DRAWER.
It’s easier for me to bite than my dogs, my neighbors finally get it
I saw my lawyer at the grocery store but I didn’t speak to him because I didn’t have $300 on me.
I always run towards screaming. Sure, it could be a horrible murder in progress. BUT it could also be ice cream.