Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Customer next to me at pharmacy counter: What are you taking those for?

Me: To control my homicidal rage at nosy people.

Customer: …

cop: your eyes are bloodshot, have you been drinking

me: your eyes look glazed, have you been eating donuts

cop: no I’m just high—wait a second

me: too late ur under arrest

Remember when you first started driving and everything was scary. Now you’re going 80, putting salsa on your taco, driving with your knees.

Someone on TikTok asked if people with office jobs just sit at our computers all day and answer emails

Obviously that’s not true

We also have meetings about the emails and then write emails about the meetings

Kids these days, I tell ya

ad for vacations:

how would you like to feel extremely tired somewhere else

Approx 4,500yrs ago men would wake up everyday to build the great pyramid. I got up this morning with anxiety about unloading the dishwasher

I don’t have an insurance policy on myself because there’s no sense in tempting my wife more than she already is.

me: *wistful* what if you could go back in time and relive a delightful meal with a loved one?

him: is it leftovers again?

me: it’s leftovers again.

“You can hide but you can’t run,”
— Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids

11yo ceremoniously hands me a handmade birthday card she spent hours on.
13yo just as pleased with himself hands me the card he gave me already on mother’s day

Anxiety: get ready
Me: for what?
Anxiety: Get ready.
Me: For what?
Anxiety: GET READY!!!!!!!!!
Me: Gah! FOR WHAT?

Shoutout to the mosquito who drank all my blood but managed to remain so thin.

if you come out with us you can’t lie about making your own soup
“those days are behind me”

[girl at bar 45 mins later] oh cool, what kind?

I’ve decided it’s time to fall in love again.

*orders southern fried chicken sandwich with extra pickles*

ME: haha u dare me to take off all my clothes and run thru this park

COP: no

ME: wow I cant believe ur making me do this lol

COP: I’m not

You can just put your own drawings up on the fridge. Nobody assumes an adult drew it so they’re always super impressed.

Just because I have breast implants doesn’t make me a slut. Being a slut makes me a slut.

Facebook’s great for when you wanna see a picture or a joke you saw on Twitter four years ago

me: how do i get a girl to like me

dad: treat her like she’s the only one in the room

{ later at party }

man: does anyone know cpr?! this woman is DYING

me: [steps over them] hello, beautiful

Therapist: And what do we do when we’re sad?
Fleabag: Go to church.
Therapist: Good.
Fleabag: To flirt with the priest.
Therapist: No.

Sex is a lot like Mario Kart, you go really fast, you throw some bananas, Wario is there.

A friend lectured me about going to see Star Wars alone, because “that’s weird.” As if chastising a grown man in a cloak is some normal shit

When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying

I always wear running shoes while driving because you won’t know what the terrain will be like until after the cop pulls you over.

“You probably can’t even tell, but there was an incident with the shower curtain”

My husband said I looked tired so I ate his ice cream bar.

I use my rear windshield wiper mainly to show off that I have a car with a rear windshield wiper.

Day 1 of quarantine: I’m going to take this as an opportunity to improve my health

Day 2 of quarantine: Due to personal reasons, I am eating a lasagna in my shower

Me at 16: No one can tell me what to do with my life.

Me at 36: Someone please tell me what to do with my life.

I think my garbage man is flirting with me; he keeps putting his hands around my waste.