“Don’t boil lobsters, because they can feel pain” say scientists from National Institute For Boiling Every Animal Alive To Work Out If They Like It Or Not
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An unhealthy attraction to traffic cones develops as a result of too many microplastics in your diet and you start driving around looking for road construction just to feel the rush. Hey baby, you block lanes here often?
*thinks my friend Liz’s full first name is Lizard* Lizard. Listen to me. Why are you laughing. Lizard be serious. Lizard please
Dentists are evil, they’re like reverse the tooth fairy because you’re broke after.
*pretty girl walks by and doesn’t make eye contact*
She must be intimidated that I manage a fantasy football team that is 8-1
“This soup was so good I wish I could just…NOMCRNCHNCH”
*chewing glass*
“There must be a better way!”-Inventing the bread bowl
Mysteries of #Gravity: Why Bullock’s hair, in otherwise convincing zero-G scenes, did not float freely on her head.
This is my favorite Twitter interaction ever.
* asks plastic surgeon
” can you make me look like this Snapchat filter minus the crown of flowers?”
Facial recognition software, but it just explains Where You Know That Person From
my husband fell asleep and I don’t know how to turn the volume down on his game without killing his village or whatever so I guess the soundtrack to my insomnia tonight is intense medieval lute music
Just made my neighbors kid cry. How was I supposed to know Hags meant have a great summer?
Sex is great but have you ever told some dude that there wasn’t enough room for the two of you on a very large floating door after your ship sank to the bottom of the ocean on it’s maiden voyage?
If you had a gaming PC in prison, can you imagine how good you’d get
Now that robots move their limbs smoothly and with grace, I wonder how we’re supposed to imitate them on the dance floor.
[high school]
Teacher: do u have your homework?
Ryan Lochte: I was murdered last night
Wife: How many beers is that for you today, dear?
Me: Like 4 maybe. 5 tops.
Wife: I counted 19.
Me: Well I rounded down.
It’s ok to laugh during sex…just don’t point.
Why didn’t I marry a hairdresser or a baker. I did not think this through.
If you like to fall asleep in bed but wake up on the floor, owning satin sheets might be for you.
Happy one month anniversary to whatever is inside that Tupperware bowl in the back of the fridge!
Had to Google, “Nice way to say selfish” for a recommendation today.
Me: How are you doing?
4yo: Thank you…and no thank you!
Me: Same though.
let’s hit the petting zoo and find out which animals are ticklish
Scientist next to me: My god. Reality is a simulation.
Me (also a scientist): My god. I haven’t fed my tamagotchi in 17 years.
Who called him Spider-Man and not Netflix?
Can’t you just live in the moment, Phil? Every time we kill a bison or light a fire you have to draw it in a cave with your fancy stick.
On behalf of everyone who works in an office, a coal mine, a fast food restaurant, really anywhere, I have decided to make it my mission to find out who coined the phrase “do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life” and trebuchet them directly into the sun
Being a dog must be wild, everyone you meet is your masseuse
Hot pies in your area want you to snatch them off the windowsill