An unhealthy attraction to traffic cones develops as a result of too many microplastics in your diet and you start driving around looking for road construction just to feel the rush. Hey baby, you block lanes here often?
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me: how old is your baby?
her: 46 weeks
me, struggling w/the math: may i offer him a beer?
My kids never meet a drink he couldn’t spill
I’m tired of dating. The first person to show up at my apartment with a domesticated raccoon & a lasagna can have my hand in marriage or a friendly fist bump, if they prefer.
Kid: Would you rather be invisible or be able to fly?
Me: Be invisible.
Kid: To fight bad guys, right?
Me, imagining breaking into a cheese shop and eating all the cheese: Totally.
Pat is about to own someone
Sometimes I’m right.
Other times my wife is close enough to hear what I’m saying.
My resume says, “Gimme a job,” and I’ve had four recruiters reach out because I was so direct.
Remember in the boardgame Life when you had kids and collected money? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
When I see the lyrics to a song I’ve been singing wrong the whole time.
Indiana Jones And The Two Dudes Who Lost Their Cars.
If you see someone crying, ask if it’s because of their haircut.
If it wasn’t for “only one cashier open and it’s a cute guy in his twenties and I am buying a cart full of tampons” luck, I wouldn’t have any luck at all
My son came home for spring break with all clean clothes and doesn’t need me to do his laundry and I am just so very, very confused.
*Asking the price for something way too expensive but also shy*
Me – Excuse me. How much is this?
Salesman – Ten thousand dollars.
Me – Oh…. I’ll take three.
*sets place on fire before paying*
John Hammond: *proudly* We spared no expense
Me: Your security team is literally one Australian dude in short shorts
The last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood
Why DOES “February” have that extra R? It should just be “Februay.”
Gross, who put proof in this pudding?
Store clerk: May I help you?
Me: I hope so. Sweetie go get your math homework, this nice woman is going to help us.
Bad credit? No credit? First time buyer? First time baby? No legs? 8 legs? You a spider? Are you a Spider trying to buy a house?
*Sends carrier pigeon back*
“I have a suitor.”
why you guys always think you were some cool person in your past life and not a fly that lived for like 24 hours, settle down
penguins mate for life, which is why you never see one smiling
Found a fly on his back by my keyboard. So dead. So sad. Put a cocktail umbrella by his head. Now he looks like he’s suntanning.
[Homeschool field trip to the laundry room]
Kids: Dad, what IS this place?
Me: I have absolutely no idea
If you kill a spider you’re brave but if you kill a person you’re a monster, I’m really tired of these double standards
ON THE INTERNET : Ughh.. I hate people so much..
APPLYING FOR JOB : I love working with people and I am very sociable
My tween, who wanted money, told me I don’t look a day over 41. I’m 40.