just saw a tiktok of someone saying they’re “never buying garlic again” after they discovered “this hack” and literally planted garlic in their backyard a grew more. brother do u think u just discovered agriculture???
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Please stop inviting me to bars where I have to stand up the whole time I’m not a dairy cow
Seriously guys, people drive like shit when I’m tweeting
You brought me roses? I can’t eat this. Get out.
Keep thinking about asking out a woman that works at my gym but if we end up back at my place she’ll see that I’ve been stealing towels.
Boss: Don’t sit in that cubicle, it’s haunted by the ghost of Steve
New Hire: Prove it
Boss: DONUTS IN THE BREAKROOM
* the office chair spins around immediately *
[job interview]
Did you really think bringing a puppy with you to the interview would help you get the job?
“Yes”
WELL YOU’RE RIGHT.
*Jesus multiplies a loaf of bread for the masses*
From the back: Actually I’m gluten free now.
Jesus: ughhh, someone get me a fish
Just found out you can buy more hangers. You don’t have to choose which clothes go on the 9 hangers you’ve somehow had your entire life and keep the rest in a pile.
[3 AM]
Me: Why are any of us here, really?
Zoo security guard: I’m asking about you, specifically.
“can you send us a writing sample?” no but i can send you multiple screenshots of me killing it in the group chat
You know what has zero calories and zero carbs? A nap.
Alien: We’ve returned, show us what you built with our technology
Egyptians: …
Aliens: …
Egyptians: ok don’t be mad
Hey boy, are you a pepper? Because you give me indigestion but I still want to get jalapeño business.
I always take a different store’s tote bags when I go grocery shopping so they don’t get the idea we’re exclusive or anything.
Of course I stay hydrated.
Carbohydrated
Me: Will you marry me?
Her: No
Backing singers: She said no! she said no!
Me: Not now
Not to brag but the guy working at the liquor store said I looked like I didn’t need any help.
imagine your card gets declined at church and god dies
My summer body has been pending for about ten years
I have no idea how other people get off the plane looking lovely when I look like a grease covered cheese puff someone found at the bottom of their purse
i’m planning to eat the rich, but can i sub out fries for a salad?
She was rare. Like a rap collab in a pop song that made sense.
best thing about being english is nobody asks you to cook
Me: *holding my hands out* Time to say grace
McDonald’s cashier: No
Some folks age like a fine wine. Meanwhile, Im aging more like a soggy cardboard box.
you idiots are out here getting your wisdom teeth removed. me? i am having more added. where did you think yours were going? that’s right, my mouth. i have 107 wisdom teeth now. my wisdom has never been higher. i am realizing for the first time that this was not a good idea
One of the sharpest and earliest skills any woman will learn is how to make a twisty hat out of a towel that can last through hurricane force winds.
According to most health insurance companies, teeth are luxury bones that I must pay more to continue enjoying
I’m thankful for cell phones because carrying around 85,626 photos of my dog in my wallet wouldn’t be easy.
One-ply toilet paper really feels like you’re wiping with a wish