chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
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Her: I always knew I was going to be a mummy. I feel like I’ve been preparing for this my whole life. Is that the same for you?
Me: Well, I gained the baby weight preemptively if that counts?
If I did the math right, 8 of you are serial killers and 1,246 of you are eating Nutella.
Ugh I hate being a celeb my fans are always asking me “when is your next rent check going to drop?” & “when can we expect you to pay us back for covering your rent last month?” It’s like respect my privacy please.
I had two mice from the local church at my door last night.
They wanted to talk to me about cheeses
We’re out of duct tape, craft glue, and frozen orange juice because I made a sandwich while I was drunk last night.
godzilla: lol KING kong, a little pretentious aren’t we
king kong: oh you’re one to talk
My account was hacked so if you saw some really weird posts or received some strange DMs, those were the ones that were definitely from ME. Anything else was the hackers.
One of the hardest things I’ve ever done as a parent is hold back crying laughter while telling my kid not to refer to Aquaman as Seaman.
Maid of Honor speeches shouldn’t end with, “I’ll see you all at her next one.” I know that now.
Decolonizing something is when you remove perfume from it
My husband accidentally texted mewting instead of meeting. Now I can’t stop picturing a bunch of kittens in a conference room.
Sorry if you feel foolish, but that’s how sarcasm works… Einstein.
#If #I’m #not #following #you #back #this #might #be #the #reason.
Him: I just had sex with that woman!
Me: She’s 60.
Him: I know.
Me: I Hope you used protection or you might have caught osteoporosis.
Cashier: you’re 8 cents short
Me: it’s only 8 cents can you just let it slide
Cashier: no
Me: *slides cashier 20 dollars* what about now
The name “Boeing” makes so much sense now considering it’s basically the sound of something hitting the ground and bouncing.
[First date]
Me: So, I’ve been married for 12 years –
Him: You’re married??
Me: Is that a problem?
Breaking News:
Germany defeats Argentina… France surrenders.
The bank robbery would have ended much better for me if I hadn’t stopped on the way out at the ATM to deposit the money.
I avoid eye contact like everyone is trying to sell me $20 fundraiser popcorn.
I like how I carefully open a box of cookies so I don’t damage the resealable tabs like I’m not eating them all right now
Deleted duck from my autocorrect so it no longer keeps ducking changing my favourite ducking swear word.
[runs out of toilet paper]
Me: *picks up cat* sorry, Mittens, desperate times call for desperate measures
If there is any indication of how this day will go, I put my shirt on backwards this morning. No biggie, except the fact it’s a button down.
“Quark, quark,” said the quantum duck.
Buddhist Monk sees kid in Nirvana t-shirt:
“You like Nirvana? What’s your favorite step on the 8-fold Path?”
Kid: Nevermind
“Yeah, me, too.”
8yo got mad and retaliated by stomping out of the room and turning the light off on me, so I guess that’s one way to get her to turn the light off when she leaves the room.
I almost hit a deer tonight. But then he took back what he said about my mom and we hugged it out.
Back to having zero haters, feels good.
She said, “Are you even listening to me? This is important!”
I said, “I don’t know, pizza?”And that’s how the fight started
“My leg’s been hurting for 20 years.”
* my 6yr old who exaggerates and is also bad at math