Sorry if you feel foolish, but that’s how sarcasm works… Einstein.
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Tonight our 4 year old ate his dinner in a record time of 4 hours 27 minutes
Microwave sparked and is suddenly dead, now I really have no idea what time it is.
But what if it’s actually three trench coats disguised as a guy in a trench coat?
I see a cute girl on the bus. I unzip my hoodie to reveal a t-shirt that says, “I love holy matrimony”. She pats on the open seat beside her.
I quit my job this week to pursue my dreams.
I can never remember my dreams so this is going to be interesting.
If your surname is Rice and you don’t name your kid, Fried then I can never be friends with you.
i argued with the parrot at the pet store until it got sold away and the guy who bought it wouldnt let me in his car. that means i won
Uncle Frank’s will stipulates he be cremated & his ashes added to the vegetable water sprayers at the local grocery store.
He will be mist.
{emceeing banquet}
Me: Our first guest tonight needs no introduction. *walks away from podium*
Thanks for a lovely evening, I had a great time. Sure, I’ll come in for a coffee. You have a lovely apartmeMY GOD that is a lot of Swastikas
Dear God,
Laying an egg once a month would have been preferable. Thanks for nothing.
~ All women
[picks up hitchhiker]
“Hope ur not a mass murderer. Haha”Actually I am.
“WHAT”
APRIL FOOLS!
“Whew”
I’m technically a serial killer.
her: You look really good.
me: Thanks! That’s a really cool pen. Where did you get it?
*notices keys/wallet/pills in a weird place*
Other people: I should put that back where it belongs
Me: I’ll definitely remember that it’s there next time I look for it
“Well, this is me,” I say climbing into a plant so that we’re no longer walking in the same direction after saying goodbye
Marriage is mostly blaming your spouse for not listening to the things you say, even when you’re not entirely sure you’ve said them out loud.
Burned my finger on hot cheese, then immediately burned my mouth with the same hot cheese, if you’re looking for someone with a lizard brain
I’m slowly replacing people in my life with different snack foods.
Lately *certain* individuals have been making very hurtful remarks about my personal choice to wear mittens rather than gloves.
But I don’t like to point fingers.
You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying
Person: “I hate geology puns.”
Me: “My sediments exactly.”
Donald Trump said he thinks we made the right decision to leave the EU. This confirms that we absolutely did not make the right decision.
how i look when they bring my wings at pluckers.
-Balderdash!
-Codswallop!
-Tommyrot!
-Poppycock!Victorian Era YouTube comments
I’m going to the gym now.
Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
Anyone know the second rule of fight club?
If I know one thing for sure it’s that nobody has ever looked back on their life and wished they’d eaten more celery.
who else gets a little disappointed when the emergency broadcast test isn’t an actual emergency? it’s like, hurry up already aliens
People have sex without music playing? How do you know when to change partners?