She asked me to buy Tampons so I bought Kotex, because that one time I wanted ice cream and she bought frozen yogurt.
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If pain is fear leaving the body, what gets the stupid out?
My husband cleaned the kitchen for the first time in years. He’s in the living room , dressed in a suit, waiting for the award ceremony to commence
Good news, people in 3rd world countries, suffering inexplicable hardships- Amy from fb says god won’t give you more than you can handle.
I call my phone Lois because it doesn’t recognize me without my glasses
*watching an old Lassie show
Me: How come you can’t do those things?
Dog (mutters): If we had a well I’d push you into it.
“Wanna see videos from my vacation?”
*shows home video of me eating a raccoon under a bridge
“This is the wrong video”
“No this is right”
i pretend i don’t care about stuff but that’s only because i have no idea what’s going on around me at any given time.
“Your dad and I are leaving for dinner now.”
Two seconds later:
One day I will peel open the plastic film on a yogurt container and not get sprayed in the face with yogurt juice. Today is not that day.
I’m the type of guy you could spend the rest of your life with, if you never take your meds again.
A college girl sends a text to her BF who doesn’t respond “Could this night get any worse?” unaware that an alien fleet approaches earth
health teacher: so, all of our bodies are about 70% water
snowman exchange student: (raises hand)
Dear neighbors, I am not killing my child. I’m washing her hair. Only she sees it the other way.
I still can’t believe someone stole my neighbours wind chimes tomorrow morning
My husband thought that it was funny to add his name to the bottom of my to-do list, but the joke’s on him because I’m only doing 1 chore a day in the order that I wrote them and he’s number 26.
I thought I felt a spider crawling on my neck.
Now I have to pretend I was breakdancing at this bank.
My mother-in-law doesn’t get migraines. She gives them.
Hiding an engagement ring in a hot dog is harder than you think
At the zoo, you have to drag me away from the otter pool. The promise of a soft pretzel usually does it.
i hate people that say “it’s too early to be eating that” WHAT TIME DO A STOMACH OPEN?
One thing I like about hiking is taking an uber to the woods and saying thanks and getting out of the car and disappearing into the trees as if I have an appointment somewhere deep in the forest
So many village idiots. So few dragons.
Doglike cats are some of the sweetest, most adorable creatures on the planet. Catlike dogs emerged directly from a portal to hell
Thanks for wishing me a Happy Monday, you’ve changed my entire outlook. I don’t hate Monday anymore. I hate you. Happy New Sworn Enemy.
if at first you don’t succeed that’s so embarrassing why are you so bad at this
*me struggling with life*
I guess I should start watching a new show.
We told Grandpa that we were worried about him being quarantined alone with his bad hip and failing eyesight, but he told us not to worry because he’d gotten himself a dog.
Me: why is there a graham cracker in my makeup bag?
4: oh, it’s probably mine.
Me: probably?
{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside.