if at first you don’t succeed that’s so embarrassing why are you so bad at this
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My oldest kid, watching Shrek again, but now being old enough to understand more of the jokes…
Nine: There’s safety in numbers
Seven: *ties napkin around his neck*
Meanwhile, at the local farmer’s market…..
Overheard on the bus:
“Stop eavesdropping on our conversation, it’s creepy and you won’t get any funny tweets out of it”
Doctor: So what brings you in today?
Me: Stay with me here…I’m pretty sure there is a bus full of elementary age children flying around my small intestine.
reasons white people riot:
1. their sports team wins
2. their sports team loses
3. no more tickle me elmos
4. tea
5. pumpkins
Guys, are you sure it’s a good idea to bring up proof of ownership?
Kidnapper: [on phone] we have your son.
Wife: actually I’m holding my son.
Kidnapper: [getting frustrated] then who the heck just asked for chocolate milk with a straw and made us cut the crust off his PB&J?
Wife: oh god.
Kidnapper: what?
Wife. you have my husband.
“Cool.” was my spouse’s text reply to me getting our Pearl Jam tickets today.
So anyway, after I bury the body in the back yard, I have an extra ticket if someone wants to go.
*pulls away from kissing, stares intently into his eyes
Your eyes are like pools of melted chocolate
Him: U started your diet, didn’t u
Hey I noticed you’re completely uninterested in me and couldn’t care whether I live or die would you like to build a life together?
Hot tip: If you’re going to wipe your hands on your clothes, wipe them on the INSIDE of your pants, where stains don’t matter. Anyway, officer, that’s why my hands were down my pants while eating these delicious ribs.
Overheard at the coffee shop:
“Do the banana-nut muffins contain nuts?”
Natural Selection, I believe that’s your cue.
My husband’s beige flag is he’s always ranting about the “feels like” temperature on the weather app. “If we always say 30 degrees FEELS LIKE a different temperature than 30 degrees, how can we ever know what real 30 degrees feels like??????”
Genie: and for your last wish?
Me: I wish I could reverse age a few years.
*wakes up with a pimple the size of Australia*
Me: NOT LIKE THIS!!!
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
When you kidnap a writer.
If someone bumps into you while you are wearing camouflage you have no one to blame but yourself.
Have kids, so people who drink their own bath water can critique your cooking.
me: (texting boss) we still on for work today?
boss: yes. you dont have to text me this every morning. we’re “on” for work every day mon-fri
If you like 28 tweets of mine in a row, you’re my boyfriend now. I didn’t make this up. I’m just as upset as you are.
[watching Boogie Nights]
age 19: OMG Rollergirl is sexy.
age 37: OMG wearing rollerskates during sex is dangerous. How is she still alive?
Both of my girls wanted to stay home sick today until they found out the Wi-Fi was down.
my mum said that im not allowed to go work tomorrow because of the snow so im gonna call my manager tomorrow and tell him my mum said no
OH AND JUST FYI…. THE BAGS UNDER MY EYES ARE LOUIS VUITTON
Me: You want to see me rip a phone book in half?
Kid: What’s a phone book?
Back to Future II is so unrealistic not a single person takes a selfie or gets bullied on the internet
There are two types of people, those who can’t keep a secret and those who can keep a secret for like five minutes
Blackout curtains because I’ll decide what time it is.
Fun Fact: In New York City it’s a Class A felony for a pizzeria to run out of pepperoni.