[First Date]
HER: Do you consider yourself a feminist?
ME: Oh I’m not feminist at all!
HER:
ME: In fact, some of my best friends are women.
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It’s gonna take a real idiot to write my autobiography.
A cubical is a great place to reflect on all the bad decisions you’ve made in your life
Quiz host: Your topic is music
Me: Yes!!
Quiz Host: Which Imagine Dragons song starts quietly followed by the singer yelling the chorus?
Me: You’ve got to be kidding me
5yo after licking my face: “Sorry. My mouth meant to kiss you but my brain told me to lick you.”
My boyfriend died after falling into a giant vat of coffee at work
He didn’t suffer, it was instant
the absolute shock I feel when someone brings up something I tweeted in person??? like no that was PRIVATE, it was between me and the entire internet
The older I get, the more my feet hurt. I guess it’s true… time wounds all heels.
Hotel California reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Such a lovely place”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Plenty of room. Excellent check out”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Can’t leave”
I walk into the store thinking man I look good today and then the self-checkout security camera had to go and point out that I actually look like Squidward
When zombies find campers in sleeping bags, I bet they think “mmm, people burritos.”
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
One night my insomnia will pay off and I’ll witness a crime being committed outside my window.
Until then, I’ll keep eating.
[45 minutes into Charlie and the Chocolate Factory]
7 year old: how does he still have a job?
My sense of direction can only be described as unacceptable.
Years ago, someone discovered that white wine removes red wine stains, and all I can say is that must have been a hell of a party.
One time I stepped on a sea urchin and I forgot all about the migraine I was having, so yeah, I’d say acupuncture is pretty effective.
really slow day at 911. im just calling random numbers and asking ‘you good???’
I would love to live a sober life but then I’d be giving my MIL a reason to like me…
thanksgiving is canceled? you mean I have to wait until next year for my family to get together and roast me mercilessly?
“Just ask him, Harry.”
“I don’t think-“
“Just ask him.”
“Excuse me, sir? I’m trying to find the Holiday Inn Express.”
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count socks with sandals.
Kids will take 47 minutes to put on their socks and shoes then want someone to time them to see if they can take a bath and brush their teeth in 90 seconds.
The doctor said I’m addicted to meat but I said surely it can’t do any ham?
“The Burning Bush” but it’s just me getting laser hair removal.
Corgi: why are my legs so short?
God: that’s just what legs look like.
Corgi: oh cool.
[giraffe walks by]
Corgi:
God: you weren’t supposed to see that.
saw a guy at the airport taking a parrot in a cage on board and it’s like bro, why you spending extra money, it can meet you there
Nothing like accidentally setting fire to your hair at work to make you feel alive
Free pizza at work got me like “Fine, I’ll come back on Monday”.