My sense of direction can only be described as unacceptable.
You Might Also Like
Currently arguing with my toddler over how to spell the letter “A” if you’re thinking about having kids
*on the phone*
Me: I’d like to order a 12″ cheese steak.
Him: Sure. That’ll be $13.39.
M: How long will it be?
H: Uhh, a foot?
M: …
Literally every dog in the world failed their families by letting a rabbit break into their home
If I try to film something outside, every person that owns a leaf blower within 10 miles is alerted via text.
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wearing my wife’s clothes standing in the mirror.
3 am phone call, “Hey, are you asleep?” Nope, Im skydiving.
Dealing with your ex before driving across town in traffic is great for the blood pressure…
Him: Productive conference call?
Me: Hell yeah. I painted my toes, posted 6 pictures on IG, and got in one solid nap.
I don’t like doing the same things again so much that I can never be a serial killer.
Jane Austen is short for Jane Stonecoldsteve Austen.
I can’t seem to convince these dogs & cats that I don’t need their assistance in the bathroom.
Me:
One of my moles: I shall grow a hair for you, master
7: mom what’s chicken made of?
me: um, chicken
7: oh, ok…are we made of chicken?
me: no…
7: how about our dog?
me: *rips up application to harvard*
Commenting “this aged poorly” on my friend’s wedding anniversary posts from several years ago now that she’s getting divorced
If commercials want people to look at them they should all start with the sound of a phone vibrating
Me: Your generation sits around with their noses in their phones
Niece: Your generation made the guys who wrote the Macarena rich
Me: …
I’m never gonna tell the person I’m meeting up with that you said hi.
ME: we need to focus. we’re so close to getting fired.
MY BRAIN:
When gathering all the laundry I tend to find other items that have been missing for a while.
I just don’t remember how this frying pan got in between the couch cushions.
No one will question your alcoholism if you always propose a toast before drinking.
Gosh, some tweeters are super nice.
One guy offered to trim my tree and another one wants to stuff my stockings!
Me: I banged your Mom.
My Son: I know, Dad. I know.
God: your name is Owl.
Owl: who?
God: you. your name is Owl.
Owl: I know I’m just messin with ya.
God: ok then state your name.
Owl: your name. lol.
God: are you serious?
Owl: no i’m Owl : )
God:
Owl:
God: [under breath] you’ve made a powerful enemy today.
Owl: who?
After a blazing row with the girlfriend, we agreed there’d be makeup sex on date night, but I turned up in full Joker face paint and am now single again.
ME: I can’t believe he ruined my life.
THERAPIST: Who?
ME: *points at myself* This idiot.
uber driver heard me singing along and changed the station…
“IF YOU EAT ANY MORE CANDY, YOU’RE GOING TO BARF!” my kids yell at me.
[3rd date]
Kate: You wanna come back to mine for coffee?
Ian: Sure!
Kate: Have you got any condoms?
Ian: Do you not know how to make coffee?
Honey I Shrunk the Kids : A Beginner’s Guide to Steroid Use
Imagine you’re about to have surgery and right before the anesthesia kicks in you notice a “University of Phoenix” degree on the wall