I think my cleaning people are stealing my paranoia medication.
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Thank God you’ve updated your status to “Finished lunch” after you first posted “Going to lunch” I really couldn’t tolerate more suspense.
Please don’t call it man flu. Its correct name is manchester flunited.
You can literally say any Italian sounding words and pass it off as pasta.
I had bossatony micelli carbonara tonight.
These Brit awards outfits are getting stupid now.
Villian: one false move and you’re history
Me: ok wait does that mean one true move and I’m the future? *eyes welling up* Very inspiring sir thank you
a fun thing to do when you get a compliment is yell “it’s NOT my FAULT”
Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
8 is addicted to the iPad and he asked where it was at tonight and I said it’s in my car in the garage. He said ok and then I said hopefully the dead woman that lives in the garage won’t get him. Now we’re about to find out how much he wants it.
Support bacteria
They’re the only culture some people have.
People keep inviting me to stuff. I miss the pandemic.
me (googling): sexy green m&m
fbi agent monitoring me: oh god not this again
Me: Hi Gammy.
Her: Do I know you?
Me: When did she get amnesia?
Sister: She doesn’t have amnesia. She owes you money.
Date: These lamb chops are great
Me: They’re missing something
Date: Like what?
Me: *about to invent mint jelly* Jiggly toothpaste
[courtroom, on witness stand]
Prosecuting attny: If you think she’s poisoning you, why did you eat it?
Me: It was pizza
[jury nods, murmurs]
– dinner –
Kid 1: finishes in 18.4 seconds
Kid 2: finishes in 34.7 seconds
Kid 3: finishes in 5 hours 29 minutes
My kids have eaten 47 lbs of candy. They aren’t sleeping until December 12th. Send help.
GROOT: I am Groot.
TEACHER: I don’t know, can you?
GROOT: *Sigh* I am Groot.
TEACHER: Yes, you may.
I’ll never understand why my children think pooping is a social activity.
Who called it a washer repairman and a not a spin doctor?
Went to bed with wet hair and woke up looking like I might know a lot about astrophysics
[playing 7 minutes in heaven]
doctor: ok lol plug him back in now
if my sleeping schedule was a person
It doesn’t matter how angrily I type in my password. I am still wrong.
[vasectomy]
Doctor: how did that vase get in there, again?
Caveman 1: Tell me a story.
Caveman 2: Once upon a time….
Caveman 1: Woah you lost me!
What are you talking about? My wife hates when I make her laugh. She said what attracted her to me was my complete lack of humor and total inability to have fun.
My son lying to his little sister so she isn’t sad about a movie ending reminds me this year has brought them so much closer together and also kids will lie about anything
If I were trapped in a pit by a psychopath who wanted to make a suit out of my skin, I would simply not put the lotion on my skin until there was enough hose water to float out.
🙀🙀🙀😹