@CandyEmpires

Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.

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@UncleDuke1969

Dad Dinosaur: [sleeping]
Kid Dinosaur: Daddy, Look at all the pretty stars!
Dad Dinosaur: *grunts* Very nice, son.
Kid Dinosaur: I think I see a shooting star!
Dad Dinosaur: Mmm hmm
Kid Dinosaur: It looks like it’s coming right towards us!
Dad Dinosaur: Say what now?

@UNDEADTRESOR

Not to brag, but I can usually tell if meat has spoiled between 4-6 hours after eating it.

@SCbchbum

Overheard in the jewelry shop:
“I swallowed for this??”

@thtchicmichelle

I told my therapist that I’m a whore. He disagreed and said I’m a people pleaser, so I blew him just to make sure we’re on the same page.

@capricecrane

I bet that Heimlich was just a perv who molested people from behind, and one time accidentally saved someone from choking.

@lovemydogduck

24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is about your state that makes people want to flee the Earth?

@ITomHorvat

When someone starts making fun of my air guitar skills I just whip out my finger pistols and it usually shuts them right up.

@AngelaTheAwful

Just right now my only wish is for everyone to go to bed so I can eat my secret second dinner.

@Girl15Gone

Him: If you’re so smart, name all 50 states!

Me: Drunken, Stoned, tipsy, sad, happy, sloppy, loved, confused, exhausted, ecstatic, fatigued…

Him: Ok,enough FFS.

Me: oooo, angry!