Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
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harry potter: i’m depressed
dumbledore: your parents died when you were a baby, cedric and your godfather were killed in front of you, a homicidal maniac is trying to kill you. i get it
harry: yeah
dumbledore: so i need you to go on a deadly quest to find some soul trinkets
My shower gel is £1 but my washing up liquid is £2. Why am I spending twice as much to clean my plates as I am to clean myself? We’re both covered in the same pasta sauce.
Pro-tip Ladies, try to refrain from plucking that one crazy hair from his nose while he’s sleeping. He won’t think it’s as funny as you do.
If you’ve ever watched a butcher wrap pork chops, you’ve seen me wrapping Christmas presents.
6: are snakes just neck?
it kind of looks like someone just took away their laptop
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I love money. I set it free and it didn’t come back. Relationships are hard.
I told my neighbor Terry my chili recipe so now we’re not allowed to fly on the same plane in case it goes down and the recipe is lost forever.
Think you know guilt?
*takes long drag on cigarette*
I’m the wildebeest who killed Mufasa.
*exhales*
I hear Simba’s screams every night.
My husband wants to know why our microwave is suddenly filthy like the break room microwave back at his office. I only see one common denominator here.
Bird: *standing in middle of road challenging me*
Me: *swerving and driving off cliff* you have won again bird
ME: is this the soup of the day
WAITER: it’s an aquarium
ME: ok I’ll have that
What the hell happened here.
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A typo so bad, they assume you speak German.
“Remember that man you met for 5 seconds when you were 2 months old? Let me catch you up on his medical history”
-my relatives
There are two kinds of dog owners. Those that have tried their dog’s treats and those that are lying.
8 asked if he could draw my face and was super proud of the result.
Unrelated, he now lives with a neighbour.
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When I’m inevitably murdered, my loved ones won’t say I always lit up a room, but instead “She kinda deserved it” and “I’m honestly surprised this didn’t happen sooner”
“You took out 5600 turtles in Mario”
[me looking at god] is that good or bad?
When it comes to gifts, I’m easy to buy for. I want what every woman wants: a domesticated raccoon that is willing to assist me with petty crimes.
The wife’s clearing out the fridge before vacation so I’ve a pork chop, 3 slices of ham and 6 bacon rashers for dinner. The sad thing is knowing I can never again love her as intensely as I do right now.
Lois: “I saw Batman yesterday. He’s put on a lot of weight”
Clark: *lowers glasses* “More like Fat-
Lois: “Oh my god it’s Superman”
ME: i need to talk to you about something kind of awkward
GENE: what is it
ME: hygiene
GENE: hi kev
PRIEST: Do you take this this woman, to have and to hold, for better, for worse, until death do you part?
ME: Well, now you made it weird.
He’s a 10 but there are 2 of him.
Girl wake up, you’re drunk
if I ever go missing, it won’t be hiking. you guys don’t even have to look there.
We have 3 bathrooms at our new home, the master, the kid’s, and the spider bathroom, so we have 2 bathrooms.
we should be using all the time technology frees up to expand language, not shorten it. instead of ‘prolly’ try ‘probababably.’
You had me at “Bathes regularly”.
what idiot called it a best man instead of a lord of the rings