Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.

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Apparently the hardest part of exercising is keeping that shit to yourself.


My next tattoo will be “helvetica” written in Arial. When a woman corrects me on it, I will marry her


Took the man to get his hearing aids fixed today. Still deciding if it was a smart move. Don’t touch my radio.


I carry a knife whenever I’m running late to work because that’s what Counterstrike taught me: “You always run faster with a knife”.


Always be yourself. Unless you can be Batman.. Then be Batman.


“This is all water! Now that was misleading”

-Pedophile who found the fountain of youth.


My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.


Do Flat Earthers also believe the sun and moon are flat?

Like, is the entire solar system just a mismatched collection of space dinner plates?


A foreign kid asked me how to speak English the other day, so I teached him some.