Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.

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Dad Dinosaur: [sleeping]
Kid Dinosaur: Daddy, Look at all the pretty stars!
Dad Dinosaur: *grunts* Very nice, son.
Kid Dinosaur: I think I see a shooting star!
Dad Dinosaur: Mmm hmm
Kid Dinosaur: It looks like it’s coming right towards us!
Dad Dinosaur: Say what now?


Not to brag, but I can usually tell if meat has spoiled between 4-6 hours after eating it.


Overheard in the jewelry shop:
“I swallowed for this??”


I told my therapist that I’m a whore. He disagreed and said I’m a people pleaser, so I blew him just to make sure we’re on the same page.


I bet that Heimlich was just a perv who molested people from behind, and one time accidentally saved someone from choking.


24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is about your state that makes people want to flee the Earth?


When someone starts making fun of my air guitar skills I just whip out my finger pistols and it usually shuts them right up.


Just right now my only wish is for everyone to go to bed so I can eat my secret second dinner.


Him: If you’re so smart, name all 50 states!

Me: Drunken, Stoned, tipsy, sad, happy, sloppy, loved, confused, exhausted, ecstatic, fatigued…

Him: Ok,enough FFS.

Me: oooo, angry!