Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
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People say you’re judged by the company you keep. Luckily, I don’t keep any company.
I’m going green for the holidays.
Grinch green.
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
English is crazy we’ve got silent g’s, p’s, h’s, mimes, c’s… where does the madness stop?
I’m sorry for the things I said when you opened a new gallon of milk when there was one already open
5pm me: coffee doesn’t even affect me
4am me: I wonder if I can watch all the YouTube
“Hey look, a corn maze!”
– me, drunk, about to get lost in a corn maze
I only had 3 goals in Monopoly as a kid:
Dog game piece
Boardwalk and Park Place.
Steal your money when you go to the bathroom.
5 told me she can’t help me clean up her toys because she’s tired from all the work she does in kindergarten. When I asked her what she meant by work, she said “ugh they’re always making us write our names”.
Anyone who tells you to get kids to help more around the house has never asked kids to help more around the house.