Apparently the hardest part of exercising is keeping that shit to yourself.
Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
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My next tattoo will be “helvetica” written in Arial. When a woman corrects me on it, I will marry her
Took the man to get his hearing aids fixed today. Still deciding if it was a smart move. Don’t touch my radio.
I carry a knife whenever I’m running late to work because that’s what Counterstrike taught me: “You always run faster with a knife”.
Always be yourself. Unless you can be Batman.. Then be Batman.
My new diet consists in killing anyone who tells me I’m fat.
“This is all water! Now that was misleading”
-Pedophile who found the fountain of youth.
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
Do Flat Earthers also believe the sun and moon are flat?
Like, is the entire solar system just a mismatched collection of space dinner plates?
A foreign kid asked me how to speak English the other day, so I teached him some.