Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
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[interview]
Any questions?
“Why isn’t Bigfoot called Bigfeet?”
No about working here
“Oh! If he worked here would you call him Bigfeet?”
an attractive man on the internet called me pretty, so I sent him my finger nails in the mail. i’m so nervous lol what if he doesn’t reply??
on my monopoly game the community chest cards say shit like: THE REALTOR SHOWING THE HOUSE ACROSS THE STREET GIVES YOU $50 TO CLOSE YOUR GARAGE DOOR
I gotta work hard because my feet pics are unsellable
The only way to make a cat like you is to cancel plans with them and ignore their text messages.
Me: will I find a wife
Fortune teller: no
Me: u didnt do the thing with the cards
Fortune teller [flips one card, maintains eye contact]: no
“Follow your heart,” as advice, is sort of like “abandon yourself to cognitive bias.”
me: oooh is that a bowl of jelly beans on the table?
therapist: yes help yourself
me: [mouth already full of jelly beans] if I could do that I wouldn’t be here
I’ll start the new year off with my favorite joke from 3rd grade:
Why do gorillas have such big nostrils?
Because they have such big fingers.
Happy New Years, friends. Let’s try to make it to the next one too…
I don’t need to read the room I already know how it ends
Me: Time to carry me to bed, babe.
Him: That was one time.
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they are not.
Sorry I was late for geometry class, I got on the rhombus
me: *slides $10 to barista* you know what to do
barista: [when my drink is ready] Brad Pitt!
me: oh no i’m not him lol. people confuse us all the time though.
If you wanna see that guy you used to like, go out in public looking your worst and it’s practically guaranteed.
Obama’s gonna take all your decorative soaps.
Pringle’s: Once you pop, the fun don’t stop!
Me: *covered in Pringle’s shards and grease, surrounded by empty tubes* It’s true I’m having the time of my life
me: did you even eat lunch today?
10: yea
me: what’d you have?
10: i haaaaad cheezits, ice cream and a rice crispy treat
me: your mom is gonna kill me.
Me: digging up to the surface for a bit
Worm Wife: why
Me: idk because I can sense that it’s raining?? How does this not interest you
Worm Wife: you’ll shrivel up you know…
Me: You’re crazy, it’s so wet out there 😂
Me: think I’m gonna crawl across the entire driveway 😳
“Go on, fake throw the ball again, Phil. I dare you.”
i like to walk around my neighborhood leaving helpful notes in ppls mailboxes, such as, “doric columns don’t belong on a mid-century modern. what is u doing?” or “ur home has a mix of window styles that makes me wonder about the aesthetic you were going for. what is u doing?” or
Stopped drinking coffee 3 days ago, and feel less and less addicted to caffeine with every new cup of my own pee.
According to my co-workers, I have the paitience of a saint which my family thought was hilarious until I told them to shut up
College is like a Dora the Explorer episode; your professor asks a question, stares at you and then answers their own question.
I’m naming all my children after Instagram filters. Hudson, Walden, Valencia, Kelvin, Brannan, Willow, and the twins, Toaster and 1977.
I should have been a Librarian, my favourite thing to do is telling people to shut up
*Hamburglar returns home with bag of hamburgers*
*his wife, holding a crying baby, slaps the bag out of his hands*
“WE NEED MONEY, DAMMIT!”
Whenever I’m about to give a speech in front of an audience, I imagine myself naked.
Wait, what
Wearing my bathing suit as underwear in case a random pool party breaks out sounds way better than too lazy to do laundry.
doctor: what seems to be the problem?
t-rex: I cant feel my legs