He’s a 10 but there are 2 of him.
Girl wake up, you’re drunk
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I’m about to risk it all
Job Counselor: now that you’ve flunked dental school, what’s your plan?
Tooth Fairy: *shrugs* idk, buy em I guess
[doctor looking at my xrays]
doctor: this is exactly what i was afraid of
me: what
doctor: skeletons
OMG. I saw Leonardo da Vinci trending and thought he died.
Ughhhh my neck is killing me ..
*how I slept
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
Sick of people telling me to “calm down” and “release the hostages.”
I’m at a kids fun park and let me just emphasize that the word “fun” is used loosely here.
Baby is born.
Me: Wow. Everyone thinks he looks exactly like my husband. I don’t think he got anything from me.
3 years later: child sighs heavily, slams doors, and rolls eyes so far back he can see his spine.
Me: Theeeere it is.
ME: i’ve got two problems – i’m sick with covid, and i can’t tell the difference between the words “dying” and “doing”
DOCTOR: these tests say you’re doing incredibly well
ME: thanks tell my wife I love her
[stepping out of time machine] shit I forget why I came to this year
Doing the New York Times crossword puzzle in pen means you’re smart unless you’re doing it on an iPad.
Jesus: my child, when there was only one set of footprints, Fred Flintstone was driving.
God: you can go on land and water.
Turtle: nice, but what’s the shell on my back for?
God: that’s where you live.
Turtle: oh my gosh.
God: what?
Turtle: I have a house boat!
[pitching script]
WRITER: then the motorcyclist removes their helmet…
PRODUCER: *yawns*…and its a woman?
W: it’s a burrito
P: holy shit
Me: I don’t think this is going to work
Wife: I know, I’ve been feeling like that for a long time. We’ll be so much happier with other people
M: I was talking about switching the toilet paper so it rolls under
I’m the kind of friend that will send you a fake emergency text to get you out of a bad date
But also the kind of friend that will make it say:
“Grandma is in the hospital. She fell off her skateboard again”
*getting caught filling up neighbor’s trash can*
Omg Karen, I just looove your trash can! Where did you get it?
Give me the nuclear codes. No one would expect me to have them
Still laughing about that one year my wife sold her legs to buy me gloves for Christmas, and I sold my hands to buy her pants.
“Why would you want to live in the Matrix instead the richness of reality, doesn’t make any sense,” I mutter as I reach for my phone immediately after waking up.
Missiles? Is there a Misteriles?
Get married and have kids so you can spend the rest of your life going “Who ate all the ________?”
My son told me he got me something “pretty expensive” for Christmas, and if it’s not a vacation home in Bora Bora I’m disowning him.
My mom’s Jewish and my dad’s Catholic so they decided to raise me batshit
If Scooby-Doo taught me anything, it’s that if you want to kill someone, do it in a retirement community, where pets aren’t allowed.
monday
mom, dad i’d like you to meet someone, this is hornyboy12 he slid into my DMs to tell me he’s in love with me based on the highly curated version of myself i present online we’re gonna get married
If someone gets arrested for shoplifting at Kohl’s they should be able to post bail with Kohl’s cash.