monday
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You said I could have my way with you. If you didn’t want me to experiment with gas and fire, you should’ve been more specific.
Me: is the fish fishy?
Waiter: it’s a mild fish.
Me: so it’s mildly fishy?
Waiter, to my husband: is she-
Husband: Yes, she’s always like this.
All these years, i thought Ricky Martin was singing, chicken bonbon, chicken bonbon
[getting murdered]
me: my computer has a virus, so u could say
[murdering pauses]
me: i’ve been hacked twice today lol
[murdering intensifies]
[sets up grandfather’s first computer]
ME: Okay, Grandpa… Just call me if you have any questions or problems.
[phone rings one hour later]
ME: Hello?
GRANDPA: WebMD says I’m pregnant.
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: ok, I thought you were going to kill me
I found out blowing in the dogs face makes her stop barking. I tried the same thing on my wife to make her stop yelling and she bit me.
Wife: The kids made you these cakes for Father’s Day! What do you think of them?
Me: They’re awful. But at least they made me these cakes
I’ve been trying to leave Rome for weeks but all their roads have this weird design flaw.
I’ve been singing “it’s the most wonderful time of the year” to my kids in honor of school starting, and wow, are they mad about it.
[after dinner]
Mugger: gimme your wallet.
Me: can I keep my drivers license?
Mugger: fine.
Me: [velcro sound].
Mugger: I can’t be seen with that.
Me: oh.
Mugger: gimme your shoes instead.
Me: [velcro sound].
Mugger: you know what forget it.
My beef with you is that you’re too chicken to pork me.
Sometimes I go to the store for a battery, and come out with cotton balls, spray paint, cereal, and a lamp.
I’ve concluded English is my phone’s second language. It’s the only explanation for all the bizarre autocorrects and typos that plague me.
bias laundering edition
a fairly underrated BARBIE joke is when someone calls her a fascist, and when she’s crying about it she says, “I don’t control the railways!”
movies are BACK
I am not mature enough for this many work emails to be going back and forth about an incoming hot load
Why are they called “grammar Nazis” and not “the Gestypo”?
MARINE BIOLOGIST AT A PHISH CONCERT: oh
Look at phone to see what the time is.
Check Twitter
Check Facebook
Check emails
Take a photo of my dogs
Watch a cat video
Check Instagram
Check Twitter
Look at some photos of my dogs
Send a text
Watch another cat video
Check TwitterStill no clue what the time is.
OKAY DAD
Ha – mildly amusing
Haha – funny
Hahaha – sarcastic laugh
Hahahaha – stayin’ alive
The trick to doing crimes is to wait until after 5pm when all the police have gone home for the day
My father gave me 3 pieces of advice
1. Don’t talk to strangers
2. Don’t do drugs
3. Don’t come into the garage when Deep Purple is blasting
Was folding laundry and accidentally folded myself into a shirt and gently tucked myself into the drawer and then softly closed it???
interviewer: can you explain the 5 year gap in your resumé
me: yes
interviewer: are you going to?
me: no
If someone asks if you’ve been crying just say, “why… do you want to watch?” and it will weird them out enough to leave you alone
kinda bullshit my iPhone doesn’t recognize my face with food hanging out of it
Mind: I still feel like a 20 year old…
Body: LOL.