I’ve been singing “it’s the most wonderful time of the year” to my kids in honor of school starting, and wow, are they mad about it.
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I’m tired of explaining myself. Someone else do it for me.
The first five days after the weekend are the worst.
Me: So you want to see other people?
Him: I’m just getting glasses!
Who wants to go pull on some push doors with me??
90% of parenting is making up rules. 10% is trying to remember them.
Told the kids me and husband were having adult time and under no circumstances were they to disturb us for the next 5-6 minutes
Beethoven: hey everybody, this next song’s called “Für Elise”
Elise: omg, we broke up 6 months ago, get over urslf
B: SHUT UP ELISE I LUV U
This woman ahead of me…Will. Not. Shut. Up. Never mind. That’s a mirror.
I went on a date in 2003 with a lady who talked exclusively about how great she was, so I started to agree and then add fun facts about the Thundercats. She didn’t notice, but told me I was a great listener and her friends that I didn’t try to kiss her because I’m gay.
Tell the guy at the first drive-thru window that you want the guy at the second window to throw your food into the car without you stopping.
Ground Control: the papers want to know whose shirts you wear!
Major Tom: tell my wife I love her very—
Ground Control: WHAT SHIRTS TOM
the $25 stuffed animal gets me every time
parenting hack: take your kids to the park then just leave them there. start a new life. be you. enjoy traveling again. make new friends that don’t care what color the cup or bowl is. you don’t need that negativity in your life. be free.
I broke a lightbulb, smashed artwork, splattered milk from cereal bowls across kitchen walls and knocked over candles.
Fly is dead.
God: make a thing where humans blow mucus out of their face at 500 mph..
Angel: .. we’ll call it a sneeze
God: … fine. But make sure they do it AT LEAST three times in a row
Friend: What have you been watching lately?
Me: Zoom
To err is human
To purr is cat
To grr is dog
To brr is cold
To durr is dumb
To slur is drunk
To occur is when you realise this tweet is going nowhere
Sex is great but have you tried taking a shower after a week of camping?
My 8yo just said she’s “lactose intelligent,” so hit her up with any pressing dairy questions.
[frisky in the bedroom]
Me: yeah, hurt me 😏
Her: Parks & Rec is better than The Office!
I’ve been a foodie my whole life. When I was little I even added nutmeg to the paste before I ate it.
My local Costco is out of Eggo waffles. A man & woman reached for the last box at the same time. Though he was there first by about 2 secs, the woman insisted they should go to her & her children. I KID YOU NOT, the man, who had his 2 teens w/him, replied, “Ma’am, leggo my Eggo.”
Day two of homeschooling.
I am leaving my student to fend for herself, so I may hunt for essentials. Like more wine.
*praying for world peace*
God:
[Bruce Wayne enters Gotham Orphanage]
I’ll take your finest orphan.
“Sir, we can’t just give-”
Here’s $50mil.
“Do you like boy acrobats?”
Gary Numan is 13 days older than Gary Oldman. I don’t even know what to believe any more
I forgot the word for English so I asked the cab driver if he speaks the common tongue
Who called it intermittent fasting and not snackrificing
My kids made a mess this morning pretending to be leprechauns. They don’t know it yet, but after school they get to pretend to be janitors.