The scary thing about helping my kid with her sixth grade homework is that even though it was a long time ago I don’t remember being as bad as I am now at sixth grade.
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CW: You’re not wearing a costume.
M: Yes I am.
CW: You’re dressed as yourself?
M: No. I’m a serial killer. We look just like everyone else.
“Your panties are so cute!! Let’s show everyone in the parking lot!!”
– The wind, apparently.
the famous shower scene in Psycho is crazy. she turns on the water & just let’s it hit her in the face before testing it with her hand first
Be myself?
BE MYSELF?!?!
You don’t care if I ever get laid again, do you?
Sleep patterns are fascinating. There’s light sleep, where your heart rate slows; deep sleep, where you can’t easily be wakened; and REM sleep, where you lose your religion.
When all the grocery stores are out of food, those fish holding Tinder dudes will look pretty damn good.
Hi, I’m Ben. You might remember me from such dates as “Hey, your friend is cute.” and “I forgot my wallet at home”.
My family arranging my open casket funeral:
Here’s a picture of how we all remember her. Can you make her look like this?Mortician: This is a printout of the eye roll emoji.
If someone posts a picture of their kid on Facebook making a stupid face, I like to comment with, “Oh, NOW I see the resemblance!”
Make any conversation awkward by pulling out and starting a stopwatch without saying why you’re doing it.
I looked into it and it would only cost $20 or $30 to rent a stall at a farmers market and put out a bunch of empty crates and if someone makes eye contact you smile sheepishly and say “Forgot to farm”
Wife : Even if you cheated on me, I wouldn’t leave you.
Me : Really?
Wife : Yes. Why would I reward you for cheating?
[lost in Spain]
Wife: ask that man where we are
Me [pretending to speak Spanish with a local]: gracias
Wife: well?
Me: we are in Spain
[interview at J Crew]
interviewer: explain this gap on your resume
me: no
interviewer:
me: they made me sign a pretty thorough non-disclosure agreement
I hate it when people show up at MY house, knock on MY door, and then ask me why I’m not wearing pants.
i dont know much about politics but have we ever tried turning a senator into a llama and teaming him up with a working guy to teach him empathy
My wife handed me a mop so I inspected it and said, “You’re good to go, woman!” and now the mop handle is in a funny place.
One of many embarrassing moments for me was when someone told me that they were an equestrian and I asked how was Ecuador this time of the year
Her: I need a funnel
Me: well that narrows it down
I always wanted to be on Family Feud but there were never 5 people in my family speaking to each other at one time.
Mario has killed more turtles than straws have but we don’t ban him.
I love how all my apps shake when I go to delete one..
There all like awww shit,
who’s it gonna be this time
[meeting]
BOSS: We need a name that gives us a good ad slogan
ME: Perhapselline?
MY NEMESIS GARY: Maybelline?
B: You’re incredible, Gary
I’m looking at old yearbooks and for the first time I’m questioning whether my classmates really meant “You’re crazy” as a compliment.
nobody tell me how the eclipse goes today I’ll be watching it on delay
Me *digging my own grave*: see, I do have to do EVERYTHING around here
If dogs ever learn to talk I want everyone to keep in mind that mine is a big fat liar.
I take comfort in the fact that my neighbour will probably die before me. I’ll be at his funeral, leafblowing through the entire ceremony.
Even with an open schedule and no events, I still don’t “have enough time” to stay hydrated, apparently.
My kids challenged me to a cartwheel contest.
Long story short, now my chiropractor has a new boat.