Nobody:
Every dad at the zoo: look I found your real family
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I’ve seen The Blair Witch Project and that’s all I need to know about camping.
My ex asked if I have a boyfriend, saying my daughter keeps talking about ‘Jerome’. Jerome is our roomba.
worst place to be stung by bees is the club bc it just looks like you’re doing cool dance moves & sure u win the dance off but at what cost
You know what really makes me smile?
Fascial muscles.
NASA engineer: the shuttle is completely automated so sit back and relax
[5 minutes later]
me *wedged into a drive-thru* ok dont be mad
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Is anyone here a doctor?
ME: *opening WebMD* Hold on, hold on.
Bugs Bunny is mostly ears, which makes him a great listener and an ideal boyfriend.
ME: What are you in for?
CELLMATE: Money laundering.
ME: *lights a cig and takes a long drag* Always check your pockets before washing your clothes.
to discover what’s going on with justin bieber we caught up with his manager scooter braun, who is named after two different types of razors
Top 5 oxymorons:
1. Jumbo shrimp
2. Civil war
3. Virtual reality
4. Great outdoors
5. Family vacation
how tf do u spell matthew mick hon hon hay
After hand washing your cat, put up to dry
5: dad is sixty eighty?
me: wtf
5: is today tomorrow?
me: the hell?
5: Saturday Sunday Monday?
me: hey honey, 5 is broken.
Before you try to convince me that people aren’t really all that dumb let me point out that TikTok has a “no filter” filter
a lot of ppl don’t kno that the 50 stars on the american flag represent how many stars there are in the sky
Something crazy about Hollywood’s silent film age is that a guy will be driving a train off a cliff while being attacked by lions and you’ll think “Wow, how’d they do that effect!” then you look it up and they literally had lions attack a guy while he drove a train off a cliff
I swear I am going to sit in the parking lot and slam a bag of beef jerky before my dental hygienist appointment.
Make her earn every dollar of that teeth cleaning.
I bet Santa has 3 lists now:
Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.
laundry day is my favorite day of the week. that’s why I dress for it every day.
If it walks like a duck and it looks like a duck, the chances are she’s practising for her next selfie
My friend and I have a pact that if we’re not married by age 40, we’re going to fist bump and take shots for making good decisions
ME: *hands my boss my first crime scene photos*
BOSS: *hands them back* do them again without the Snapchat filters
HOT SINGLES HAVE MIGRATED AWAY FROM YOUR AREA DUE TO CLIMATE CHANGE
I annoy my dad when he’s watching football by referring to all the players as, “characters.” It works every time
…her name was April, and her only son went on to become a comedian but everyone just called him: April’s fool.
Instead of the little blue bird Twitter should have used a rooster for it’s emblem.
What could represent this place better than a creature that starts screaming every time a new day begins?
Black and white films:
MAN: You there, young man!
A FORTY YEAR OLD MAN: Yes?
Absolute genius if you ask me 👌🤣
app: do u want me to notify u
me: of what
app: of me
me: i know about u
app: this is to remind u
me: don’t need that
app: ok let’s discuss again later
My husband tried to drop me off at my parents’ house when we were driving back from the airport after our honeymoon bc he had forgotten that we were, in fact, married and now lived in the same house.