After hand washing your cat, put up to dry
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I learned most of what I know about dropping pianos on people from cartoons.
I hate reality shows. Like this one, for instance, called “The News.”
I have questions??
Show me your pushy.
– Sean Connery shext
Me: runs for 2 mins
My heart: if you don’t stop, I will.
TINDER SHOULD SHOW YOU WHAT AGE RANGE UR MATCHES ARE OPEN TO WHAT IF I MATCH WITH A GROWN MAN WHO HAS HIS PREFERENCES DOWN TO 18 HOLY SHIT NO BUENO
day 1 of quarantine: i have stockpiled 1200 tubes of yogurt
day 2 of quarantine: my kids have just finished the last of the yogurt
If you’re a size 0 we shouldn’t be able to see you.
This guy at work always looks down my blouse. So im going to put a piece of popcorn in there to see if he points it out.
Can we talk about what little red riding hoods actual grandma must have looked like?
ME WATCHING OLYMPIC EVENT: “Holy shit that was amazing!”
COMMENTATOR: “Ooh, that was not good at all. He must really be upset with himself.”
I just saw some idiot at the gym put a water bottle in the pringles holder on the treadmill
Doing more laundry today, seems I have more people living here than I can actually see.
[world without bees]
Hamlet: to or not to
the small child points to my head and chants, i want a balloon, i want a balloon, but changes her tune when i let my head float free
Until I open the wrapper & look inside it’s Schrödinger’s Kit Kat.
My wife gets upset because I like to talk during sex. Last night she hung up the phone on me.
goals for 2020:
-read more books
-read more books about birds
-learn bird language
-respectfully ask bird that kidnapped my girlfriend to give her back
[After leaving Willy Wonka’s factory]
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Lot of deaths for a to—
ME: A LOT of deaths for a tour!
4-year-old: Can I have some water?
Me: Any more water & you could have an accident while sleeping.
4: Ok, then some juice should be fine.
I once had a coworker friend tell me how her son was arrested in another country, and she had to buy gift cards and send them by “special delivery” person who picked them up, to bail him out. I laughed out loud (couldn’t help myself) so hard, she never spoke to me again.
It’s simple …..when life throws you assholes..rip them a new one.
My 3 yr old is so encouraging. I changed my shirt; she says”Daddy, you did it!” If she finds out I use the potty by myself, she’ll flip out.
Doctor: It’s terrible. You’ve been diagnosed with Tetris.
Me: Doc, I think you mean Tetanus.
Doctor: This is serious!
Me: *neatly wedging myself into the corner of the room* You must be mistaken
horse: [driving in a car past people in a field] PEOPLE!
Every hotel is like: “Yes we’ll have tiny bars of soap and bottles of shampoo waiting for you but TOOTHPASTE IS WHERE WE DRAW THE LINE!!!”
My twins have been coming home from school every day with big cardboard models and I’m taking this as an act of war so tomorrow I’m sending one twin with a whistle and one with a book that plays baby shark on repeat
Marriage is a lot of why are you looking at me like that?
i respect snow plows bc their whole job is to take a giant mess and push it to the side for someone else to deal w later