*Cleans out purse and finds another purse*
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Welcome to Lion Tamer School. Everyone grab a chair. Good… good. You’re all halfway to becoming Lion Tamers now.
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
Welcome to Twitter.
Here is where you will find the original authors of all of the jokes and memes that you see on other platforms.
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
According to the CDC, the leading cause of death in 2016 was having a career in the 80’s that brought you any level of fame
When I’m bored, I part my hair down the middle and pretend I’m a Hanson brother
[mustard company office]
*phone rings*
“Yellow”
squirrels pondering the nature of why they end up on the wire they just jumped from a moment ago
“Hi, my name is Gary and I’m a shopaholic, my favorite place to shop is the alcohol store.”
Cop: Have you been drinking or are you on any drugs?
Me: Whoa, one question at a time, dude.
Here, let me loosen those morals for you.
I don’t get to work from home but that won’t stop me from showing up in my bathrobe.
*Walks in late to dinner*
I see fed people.
Senior sext: CAN YOU READ ME NOW?
Her: When you said you could do magic in bed, this isn’t exactly what I was exp….
Me *holds up the ace of Spades*: Is this your card?
Her: Wow!
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few cartons of eggs into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford eggs.
Having the time of my life slicing vegetables super fast like I’m a chef at a Michelin star restaurant while the uneven mess I’m creating looks back at me in its judgmental misery *chef’s kiss*
this kid in kindergarten used to make fun of me all the time, then one day I couldn’t take it anymore so I ate all of his crayons while he was watching. I was so happy when he cried but I kinda regret it cause I ended up losing my teaching job
My daughter had two Barbies arguing and now one of them is getting a haircut, so I think we all know who won that argument.
A burrito so good, a Mariachi band is playing outside the bathroom stall at work the next day.
JUDGE: Where’s your lawyer?
ME: I don’t have one.
JUDGE: So are you defending yourself?
ME: Is that an option?
JUDGE: Yes.
ME: Okay *swings at bailiff who ducks and tases me immediately*
If the cat climbs into a house guest’s lap, I like to freeze and whisper, “Are you feeling okay? She only does that with those who are dying.”
I never had a childhood bully, but I do have a toddler, so same.
went to my great aunt’s funeral (she made it to 96) and was eating so much potato salad and smoked salmon that my uncle asked if I had a tapeworm
When someone has two dogs everyone’s always assuming they’re siblings like “where’s your brother?” “share with your sister” what if they’re dating? What if they’re coworkers?
It should be a crime to have sports announcers that sound like a grandpa kermit the frog murmuring through a paper towel tube. YOU’RE RUINING THE GAME PAPA
Hey weekend,
I love you more than you know!
I know I don’t deserve you, but trust me if you stay, I will spend all my procrastination on you to keep lying in my bed.
Love,
Your unconditional lover
As a parent, you learn to accept you can’t run away from your problems. They will find you. And they will demand fruit snacks.
My kid went on her first shopping trip with friends and her own money but didn’t even buy the sticker she wanted because “you wouldn’t believe how much things cost” so looks like 11 is when sticker shock first gets you.
Just spilled water on my laptop so now I’m hanging it out on the clothesline.