went to my great aunt’s funeral (she made it to 96) and was eating so much potato salad and smoked salmon that my uncle asked if I had a tapeworm
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Putting a little orange juice on my hands before I go to the butterfly pavilion so people think I have a special gift
I don’t care what kinda lighter you have, its fair game if its unattended. Unless its engraved, then I’ll give it back for Christmas.
I can tell Spring is almost here because I’m on the verge of wanting to kill myself but I’d also like to plant some bulbs.
How do you get the avocado back out of the toaster?
Sermons in 10 minutes or less or you go to Heaven for FREE!!
A tired woman is a mean woman.
Don’t wake her up from a sound sleep because you can’t find the ketchup.
I’m a lot like a wild Pokémon in the bedroom. I only know four moves and I come out of nowhere.
Body: time to fall asleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.
*Mom makes me take out the garbage*
*Garbage and I begin to date*
*I start taking things too fast*
*Garbage dumps me*
*first day as a getaway driver*
Me: Hey does anybody want anything from the drive-through?
I want to be a Walmart greeter just so I can tell customers who come in “everyone enters, but not everyone leaves”
“Fine, I’m sorry, you win, just, please stop crying.” – my rap battle opponent
Captain: *opens treasure chest* Arrgh! It be just a mirror!
First Mate: Look closely, Cap’n
Captain: *studies* The treasure… is me?
Crew: Happy Birthday, Cap’n!
Captain: *sniff* Yarrr
What personal space?
My dog
He told me I’m too competitive but I think he’s just jealous I won at that puzzle.
Pandas are such weird, unserious bears. There’s no way they don’t get laughed out of the room at the Bear Council.
I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
ME [explaining Daylight Savings Time]: yeah, you can just do crimes. that entire hour DOES NOT count. legally speaking
Interviewer: your resume says you’re an excellent waiter
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer: holy shit you’re hired
A man reading a thesaurus saunters into a tavern.
Q: Which US President has the most trouble keeping his eyes open?
A: Abe Blinkin’
Come on down to Professor Cookie’s Very Good Joke Store where you can find very good jokes like this one.
This is enough internet for the day.
Death sent a message asking us to just cool it for a bit
When life gives you lemons, give the lemons back. Why were the lemons free? Is something wrong with the lemons? Are the lemons haunted? Be suspicious of the lemons.
remember when i met that guy in the club and i asked what he did and he said “i work in subway” and i spent all night asking about sandwich fillings and different breads and the next day i found out he had actually said software not subway. that was a fun and sexy time for me
No one will even notice your holiday weight gain if you start carrying pie everywhere you go.
REJECTED MARVEL CHARACTERS:
Thorothy
Captain Caillou
Aunt Man
Backfat
Iron Jan
Thanus
Most of my tweets have been coming from a very dark place lately. That’s what happens when you forget to pay your electric bill
I just apologized for sending someone a text using shouty font because I couldn’t remember the term “all caps”.