F: Why do we even have toenails anyway? It’s not like we can pick our nose with them.
Me: speak for yourself
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A roomba that swears every time it hits something.
I never go anywhere without a couple dozen shrimp in my pocket. They’re my ‘running around, doing whatever’ shrimp.
Bro: Dude, is this YOUR Shakira CD???
Me: What? No….it’s my wife’s…..
Hips: No…. It’s his…
Me: Shut up Hips!
It’s that time of the year when you are equally sweaty 2 minutes before and after shower.
If you drop a peanut in a shag rug forget it, let it go.
I’m supposed to be Gen-X but I feel like Gen-FML is more fitting.
Sigmund Freud: I fell over
Me: A Freudian slip?
Sigmund Freud: Not funny – I stepped on glass
Me: Is it a bit of a pane?
Sigmund Freud: You’re enjoying my misfortune
Me: Yes, it’s shard-in-Freud
I like waiters.
They bring a lot to the table.
You can just put your own drawings up on the fridge. Nobody assumes an adult drew it so they’re always super impressed.
I’m a PROUD bidet user, but it didn’t occur to me how losing power in 0° weather would affect the water temp. I think I just had what could be called a religious experience with that bidet. Like, I saw things.
the fbi, studying my kidnapper’s proof of life photo of me, notice a morse code message of mustard stains across the front of my shirt that says: ‘we’re out of mustard’
Genie: what are your three wishes
Me: make me a waffle
[suddenly I am a waffle]
Me: no, like a waffle to eat
[in a flash waffle me is on a plate]
Me: no! for me to eat
[a much larger me sits down in front of the plate]
[Me as a zoo tour guide]
Me: On your left, we have the African Spotted Tall Bois
8 yo: Aren’t those giraf-
Me: AND ON THE RIGHT we have a Giant Leaf Raccoon
8: They’re pand-
Me: AND STRAIGHT AHEAD, you’ll see the beautiful Wild Barcodes.
8: Zeb-
Me: THIS IS A SILENT TOUR
A lot of people frown on demon possession, but then can’t name a quicker way to learn Latin.
Tony Hawk, age 6
Keep an eye on the horizon. (I‘m sending a homing pigeon with a fruit roll-up)
[car wreck]
[hand reaches out]“Take my hand. I’m Chad Kroeger from the popular band Nickelback.”
[I let the flames slowly bake me alive]
WIFE: *yells into basement* Our savings account is entirely empty. Do you know what happened?
ME: *assembling robot monkey butler* No idea
[Cowardly Lion starts texting his ex]
WIZARD OF OZ: Ok wow, I gave you WAY too much courage.
“Goodbye, cruel world.” I say while taking one too many Flinstone vitamins
Muchacha is my favorite Spanish word that sounds like cows dancing.
(gathered around the campfire, 1876)
Me: This meeting could have been a homing pigeon
A car almost ran into me and I screamed “WOAHHHHHH THERE BUCKAROO”
I could have died and those would have been my last words
Today’s horoscope.
●Sagittarius: You’re about to have issues with an Aries.●Aries : Sagittarius think you suck.
Oh wow Linda the pizza here “isn’t even close” to what you had studying abroad in Rome? The pizza at this airport Sbarro’s isn’t doing it for you? I am shocked
3: Who’s that on your shirt?
Me: Yoda, from Star Wars.
3: I don’t like him.
Me: YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW HIM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
5yo: mom, my teacher says I smell better than you
me: excuse me what
5yo: I can smell more things
7yo: ohh with his nose
5yo: yeah, I can smell better with my nose…because you’re old
me: wow
Worm CEO cuts workforce in half, doubles productivity
In Canada they just call them geese
[first day as car salesman]
Customer: Cargo space?
Me: Car no do that. Car no fly.
Manager: Can I see you in my office?