It’s that time of the year when you are equally sweaty 2 minutes before and after shower.
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If using your 4yo as a remote control to fetch things makes you a bad parent, then I’m a bad parent…
A bad parent with an ice cold beer.
Edward Scissorhands: You told me to put my hands up
Me: I said I was sorry
Other rollercoaster riders: *covered in chunks of duck*
I donated my body to science but science regifted it to comedy.
[SETI receives extraterrestrial signal from 95 light years away]
[scientist decodes message in the signal]
“enough…with…the…Harambe…jokes”
I’m not saying boys make things harder and messier than girls but I watched my son make a root beer float last night pouring the root beer in first so I’m not not saying it.
Wanna make a boyfriend? Choose someone who’s still playing Wordle. He’ll never leave you.
My daughter stole and lost my good brow tweezers, and the only good thing is that now when I yell at her about it my brows look extra angry.
My youngest kid quit liking cheese, so now I have to eat it for the both of us
when the buffet is more honest than your date
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Ok why even have a pool if you can’t do ANYTHING in it
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“He sees you when you’re sleeping, he knows when you’re awake.” Santa is your cellmate.
Hypnotist: you are getting very sleepy.
Me, a parent: I’m already there, pal.
When I have more than $20 in my account at the end of the month I have to wonder what bill I forgot to pay.
Girls are suckers for a sad story so I always told them about my dad leaving us on my 8th birthday. I leave out the part where he returned with my cake.
It wasn’t chocolate so…still sad.
Christmas was ruined for me when my dad dressed up like Santa, got stuck in the chimney and his body blocked the real Santa from getting in
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
From now on I’m gonna tell guests that I made my house especially messy, just for their visit, it was hard but I got it done
Person: Hi, my name is *my brain plays 3 seconds of air horn*
Me: I’m sorry, what was that?
Person: I’m *air horn*
Me: Again?
Person:
Was it that frightening to gift newlyweds a ceramic cast of my fist?
[panting, 5 minutes into sex] It’s okay, just go on without me
IF SATAN IS READING THIS PLEASE MAKE THE FINGERBOARD ON MY DESK DO 1 FLIP
A policeman stops a car…
Policeman: “Whose car is this, where are you headed and what do you do for a living?”
Miner: “Mine.”
NOBODY:
AMERICAN: *deep fries a hippo*
Premarital counseling should be having the couple put together IKEA furniture with limited Wi-Fi connection. #weddingparty #romance
*first time in a long time at the dentist*
Dentist: don’t worry this isn’t going to be as bad as you think.
Me:
Dentists: whoops never mind we have to take out all your teeth.
my doctor just told me I’ll never be able to play the xylophone ever again in his office
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
Being a civilian in a city of superhero’s must be so long 😭
My first subtweet was in the 3rd grade when I added extra glitter to Nathan’s Valentine.
My prediction: the Euro Cup final will be won by whichever team first figures out that there’s nothing in the rules that says you can’t grab the ball with your hands and run into the goal with it