It’s that time of the year when you are equally sweaty 2 minutes before and after shower.
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[dracula slapping mosquito]
holy shit that really IS annoying
You reach a certain age and you don’t look pensive anymore, you look like you need an ambulance
Giving up my job to start a new career as a Minecraft YouTuber purely in an attempt to grab my kid’s attention long enough to find out what snack she wants.
Wife: [looking at bank statement] what’s this huge charge from Clones R Us?
Me: [sends group text to 7 other me’s] she’s on to us
Idea: a neck tattoo that depicts a man having an unsuccessful job interview because of his neck tattoo
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
When I find myself with a simple problem, I stop, take a deep breath, and ask myself, “How can I complicate this?”
Me: *pees on her leg*
Her: *screams*
Me: What?! You’re supposed to pee on someone when they sing!
Security: That’s for STINGS.
Me: *not allowed within 100 ft of Britney Spears anymore*
I just poured a bowl of cereal and we’re out of milk. Cooking is hard.
My son was brushing the crumbs off the front of his pants into the trash can at a restaurant and the waitress, thinking he was peeing, told him he needed to go do that in the bathroom.
Look lady, my kid only pees outside, not in the trash like the good lord intended.
*first date*
Her: I’m a criminologist.
Me, trying to impress: I have six bodies in my attic.
No one told me that part of motherhood is consistently looking like the before on a makeover show.
[on the way to the hospital]
GF: “let me get this straight. You thoug-”
Me: I thought that the mouse trap would detect that I am not a mouse
Lady at the door asked if I’d found Jesus and I was all HOW IS HE MISSING, IT WAS YOUR DAY TO WATCH HIM. I don’t think she’ll be back.
Before going to the dentist I like to eat taffy & pumpkin seeds. It’s makes me feel like I’m getting my money’s worth.
“Finish your peas. Kids in China are starving”
“Finish your math. Kids in America are cheating off the Asian kids”
911: How can I help you?
Me: MY HAND IS STUCK IN THIS PRINGLES CAN… I’M PANICKING
911: Let go of the chip Sir
Me: oh, ok….all good now
me: they’re having a special, buy 3 dvds get 1 free
wife: so why do you have 4 space jam’s?
me: …because it’s buy 3 get 1 free
Interviewer: What can you bring to the Lego creative team?
God: I’m God. I’ve created a lot of things.
Angel: *whispers* Show him the platypus.
Beer enthusiasts should have an OnlyCans.
My husband did a load of dishes and folded a load of laundry and then complained that I didn’t even notice and I laughed so hard I almost coughed up a lung.
I’m great at coloring eggs. Every morning I turn them black.
Wife: did you know there’s an “I hate Jeff” group that meets in the park?
Me: yes I started it I am the president
Going to a DaBaby concert because I need some alone time, and I know no one else will be there.
Why call it income when it outgo from bank account so fast?
Friends come and friends go.
Just make sure to hang on to the ones that think you are funny.
And the ones that bring beer.
That kid that said “if the teacher doesnt show up in 15 minutes, we are legally allowed to leave” is in prison now.
It’s taking this nurse 20 minutes to get my chart ready for the doctor, every few minutes she asks which hand is numb again.
Someone asked me how much I normally spend on a bottle of wine.
Answering “usually an hour” wasn’t the right answer. I know this now.