[SETI receives extraterrestrial signal from 95 light years away]
[scientist decodes message in the signal]
“enough…with…the…Harambe…jokes”
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*at my funeral, friends talk around the coffin*
So crazy, just two days ago she was doing good –
*I rise from grave*
I was doing WELL.
DoorDash is great if you like having a sandwich and also 13 emails
WIFE: can you fold the clothes in the dryer?
ME: *climbing in* I can try
“Nice to meet you. What’s your real name? Want to see my dick?” – Every Kik convo, ever
when people say “I have two awesome kids” I always wonder how many they have total
Caregiver and caretaker mean the same thing?
That’s bullshit.
Hello pollen my old friend, my nose is running once again.
[wife enters as I’m doing the worm] Wife: WTH are you doing? Me: It’s not what it looks like. Worm: Who the hell is she?!
Thanks a lot bathroom doors with the gender written in weird symbols. I just want to pee, not solve a sudoku puzzle.
Decorated the house across the street so I can look out the window and enjoy my handiwork.
Sometimes I go to the beach just to show those handsome young men what they’ll look like in twenty years.
me: *applies to cult*
cult: no thx
[crime scene]
*detective snaps pics of murder victim*
Corpse: delete it
The biggest threat of punishment for my daughter is saying I’ll pick out her clothes for school.
A meth lab sounds like a terrible dog.
Me: What’s for dinner?
Shawn: Prawns
Shaun: Prauns
Sean: Preans
I hate it when I’m at a red light, trying to find a good song, & someone honks when the light turns green.
Calm the hell down. It’ll turn green again.
Assert dominance by throwing your poop at a monkey first.
Me: [returning organic fertilizer] I don’t need this shit.
I’m single in quarantine and just found a box of googly eyes. I’m going to place them on objects around the house because I miss social anxiety.
Me: Now I am become death. The destroyer of worlds.
Him: Stop talking to your burrito and just eat it.
Saying no thanks to a CW’s offer to hit me with their car so I could take the day off proves decisions shouldn’t be made before coffee
Still no power, and it looks like it’ll be off at least a few more days. So, it’s Mexican takeout by candlelight. Just like the original 12 wise men.
[first date]
ME: I’m from a broken home.
HIM: When did your parents divorce?
ME: No, they were hoarders, and the second floor collapsed.
One minute you’re young and fun and the next, you need a tow out of a beanbag chair.
My current wife doesn’t like my use of adjectives
CHILD: goodnight earth, goodnight stars, goodnight orb
MOM: no it’s goodnight moon, honey
ORB: t h i s c h i l d w i l l b e s p a r e d
90% of parenting is making tiny portions of snacks look big and big portions of vegetables look tiny.
*walks into alma mater carrying English degree*
I’d like a refund, please. This did not work as promised.
nobody tell me how the eclipse goes today I’ll be watching it on delay