Me: I prefer the natural look
Sephora: oh, then you’ll need these 15 products
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Whether you rip off a bandaid quickly or slowly, I find it’s best to ask the wearer’s permission first.
Forget first names. We should just name storms after specific people. If you told me “Jane Ellen Green” (my former trigonometry teacher in high school) was headed my way, I’d be terrified & take immediate cover
I never know what to wear to the dentist. I can’t wear my white t-shirt because it’ll make my teeth look bad by comparison, but I can’t wear my black t-shirt because I stole it from my dentist.
The baby gets furious when I try to undress him.
He gets that from his mother.
I need an aggressive dog-barking sound on my phone, for whenever anyone knocks on the bathroom door when I’m in there
I wonder if those Gmail password hackers know how much my dog hates having to learn a new name.
ME *waits for phone to stop ringing and then checks number to see who it was*
Guy training me to be an emergency responder: yeah that was wrong
Murphy’s Law: Whatever can happen, will happen.
Kellogg’s Law: When pouring milk into your cereal you will always hit the one flake that makes it shoot across the table.
Tony Hawk: *does a 360*
Tony Owl: *does a 360 while doing a 180*
ME: How was the date?
FRIEND: Uncomfortable. She mentioned that her last boyfriend died repeatedly.
ME: So he’s like a Highlander or something?
Hemorrhoids should be called a more gender-neutral name, such as themorrhoids.
I call my horse mayo
bc mayo neighs
Thanks for explaining my tweet, Dr Joke Getter PhD
“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.Day 2.
“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.Day 3.
I know! I’ll just surprise her with toast and jam.
12: I don’t like that.
My “15 minutes of fame” are when I get my paycheck and everyone I owe money comes to collect
They say New Zealand has a sheep population of over 60 million
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
[concert]
SINGER: How’s everyone feeling tonight???
ME: Whooo, kind of stressed, I’m in standoff with my HOA regarding lawn ornamentation!!!
Everyone wants to know WHO’S the killer but no one wants to know HOW’S the killer
*visits random websites just for the cookies*
Always remember…. A mirror never lies.
(Fatty)
There goes my Valentine’s Day plans..
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[lumberjack interview]
BOSS: I’m gonna “axe” you a few questions. Haha do you get it?
ME: Yeah I “saw” that coming
BOSS: Ooo welcome aboard!
The Royal Family is doing casting calls for blurry white women with brown hair.
Blurry girlies everywhere are like this is our time
Your life is awesome until your oversized clothes start fitting.
No, it’s fine. I watched some cartoons and now I feel a little more at ease with your stupidness
If you’re on the fence about getting your kid a cellphone, my MIL stopped calling me and calls my kid instead
The last time I was 100% sure about a decision was in 3rd grade, and that box of 64 crayons with the built in sharpener didn’t disappoint.
Some people are like water balloons; they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
MAGICIAN: i will now make my assistant disappear
ASSISTANT: *covers eyes with hands*
AUDIENCE FULL OF BABIES: *gasp with wonder and delight*
Called in, “I can either stay home today and learn to play this accordion or bring it in with me. Your call.”