Me: I prefer the natural look
Sephora: oh, then you’ll need these 15 products
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I’ve been attacked by a +2 Petite Pike of Pernicious Pokiness, but otherwise my dentist is very nice.
My girlfriend hates the music I listen to while I drive, but I’ve found the perfect loophole to keep my favorite songs on. You say, “Babe, this one really reminds me of you.”
Your kids paranoid there’s a monster under their bed? Have I got a holiday for you.
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
10yo: You know that’s not what they mean by exercise, right?
Me: Pfft. [continues shaking Fitbit up and down]
When you have kids, “sleeping in” is just lying in bed trying to figure out what that crash was.
I’m directing a psychological thriller called my twins are running against each other for student council.
I can’t tell you how to increase your moral fibre, I’m not a nutritionist.
Me: I’ll take these shovels. Do you carry limes
Cashier: *suspicious* Do you mean lime?
Me: Which one goes in rum and coke?
Cashier: Limes
Me: The other one, the dead body one
a dishwasher safe would have to be a really big safe
The secret to immortality is looking like a slob. Have you ever seen a ghost looking like shit? No. No you have not
“New Year, New Me” gets easier every year cause I keep setting the bar lower and lower
Me: OMG, what a great day!
Anxiety: Wait for it…
YOGI: Close your eyes and breathe.
ME: [angrily rolling up my mat] I was under the impression this was a picnic and you were a talking bear
Merry Christmas. The three wise men.
Him: How was your day?
Me: Do you think my house key is sharp enough to sever a carotid artery?
Him: *opens four bottles of wine*
Normalize asking the spelling bee moderator to use it as a safe word. Wait huh
Me: Is the natural state of the soul quiet or chaos?
Taco Bell cashier: Look buddy, it’s transient, shifting like water
Sorry I didn’t make mashed potatoes. The potato masher was stopping me from opening the drawer.
Interviewer: Name some of your weaknesses.
Me: I procrastinate. Haphazard, cantankerous…
Interviewer: Strengths?
Me: Vocabulary?
Since finding a huge spider in my slipper I now keep em on a chair cuz my little brain decided spiders don’t like chairs.
Our tv was on with the volume a smidge louder than societal norms, my husband was watching a YouTube video on his phone at medium volume, I was watching a tiktok on my phone full blast and my daughter walks in and yells, “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD BUY HEADPHONES.”
No one heard her.
Me: i wish for chips
Genie: done
Me: i wish for salsa
Genie: …why didn’t you just wish for chips & salsa?
Me: ah…i wish I hadn’t doneNO WAIT
having birthday sex is kinda like having sex to celebrate your parents having had sex
I dressed as a chimp for 4 years to win a woman’s heart. Eventually I realized that disguising myself was a breech of trust and revealing myself would be a betrayal. I stayed a chimp 3 more years, contributing to important data she was collecting. I realize now I sullied that too
That tattoo of wings on your back are good. But wings that small could hardly get you off the ground though. *reveals full body wing tattoo*
How about a bird that ruins people’s lives
-God creating roosters
This everything bagel has too much giraffe on it
[creating anchovies]
God: How can we ruin pizza?
Dear Abby,
My pastor insists that being gay is wrong, yet he ends all his letters with the words “In Him”
Help!
Perplexed in Poughkeepsie