Forget first names. We should just name storms after specific people. If you told me “Jane Ellen Green” (my former trigonometry teacher in high school) was headed my way, I’d be terrified & take immediate cover
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If you get a DM from Keanu Reeves asking for money, it’s probably fake because I already took care of him
My co-worker was accused of flipping off the boss. I told HR that it couldn’t have been him because he never lifts a finger to do anything.
Felt a sharp pain in my chest & thought “oh shit, I’m having a heart attack,” but it just turned out to be my wife stabbing me.
If you don’t know how many x-rays it takes before a person develops super powers, should you really be in a medical profession?
A haunted house, but instead of masked creatures it’s filled with everyone’s mother-in-laws.
Based on the week’s events , I’d say aluminum foil companies will be having a banner year.
If you need another reason to stay off Facebook there’s a “turn yourself into a ‘Peanuts’ character” thing going around.
Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.
[takes e-cig from guy beside me & takes a hit] dude, your e-cig is broken
GUY BESIDE ME: give me back my clarinet
Her: Do you ever listen to a word I say?!
Me: Sounds like a plan.
ME EVREY MORNIG: nonono no noNO no NONO NO!!!
ME EVREY NIGHT: u know wat wil make my morning amazing?! setting my favorite song as my alarm
Yeah. Spring cleaning is going well, thanks.
[recovering from food poisoning]
Me: Finally feeling better
Leftovers in the fridge: You up?
LEGALIZE MEDICINAL MURDER
Mom: Wanna help gift rap?
Me: In West Philadelphia born and raised on the playgro– oh you mean WRAP? Nah homegirl you’re on your own.
This man hollered at me from his uhaul and asked “can I get a picture with you?” I said sure. We used my phone to take it. I asked if he wanted me to send it to him. He said no.
[my first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’d like a Jack and Coke
Me: Is Pepsi ok?
Customer: Sure
Me: One Pepsi and Coke coming right up
If you don’t like the idea of wiping someone’s ass in the middle of eating a delicious meal, you probably shouldn’t become a parent.
Me: Man T-Rexes looked so cool
Scientist: Nah actually they looked like giant idiot birds
Me: Oh bummer. They were great hunters tho
Scientist: There’s evidence they were scavengers
Me: Ok maybe just stop ruinin-
Scientist: They wore socks with sandals
When coining nicknames, be sure it reflects how that person has impacted your life. For example, my two sons Buzzkill and Third Mortgage.
Nobody:
NASA scientists: the moon’s wet!
[ First day as a British comedy account ]
I sure do love those chocolate chip *checks writing on hand* biscuits? That can’t be right.
Just overheard my 87-year-old Dad speaking to my pooch:
“You’re seven years old? You look REALLY good for seven!”
everything in the world is about sex, except Uno. Uno is about power
Maybe Millennials aren’t having children because we lived through the nightmare of raising Tamagotchis. :/
slapping people across the face with a glove and challenging them to a duel is a good way to end an argument at work.
My kids trying to pick up the name brand hamburger buns like they think we are millionaires or something
I took the liberty of rearranging my husband’s office this week. The tears streaming down his face are all the thanks I need.
My kids never finish their dinner because they’re saving room for bath water.
friend: look how big my new plant is getting!
me: oh wow, if you think that’s big you should see some of the ones outside has