Forget first names. We should just name storms after specific people. If you told me “Jane Ellen Green” (my former trigonometry teacher in high school) was headed my way, I’d be terrified & take immediate cover
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I should be getting paid for getting up at 3 am. to go pee.
everybody’s gangsta until seaweed touches their leg
You know you don’t have to give your bathroom a beach theme, there’s no law
VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year
Real life dad college courses
Garage law
Power nap philosophy
Nosy neighbor studies
Barbecue physics
Zipper theory of merging traffic
Thermostat dynamics
We need to drop all our differences and unite against our common enemy: mercury in retrograde
What an insane day. Still can’t believe I tried cauliflower pasta for the first time.
[invention of history]
Well last time you said you didn’t need to write it down and we both know how that turned out.
[taking my date for a walk in the woods]
HER: this sure is a dense forest
ME [trying to impress]: yeah it’s dumb as hell
I slept like a log last night.
A badger pissed on me.
Apparently when a couple tells you they’re pregnant with their 6th kid it’s not cool to yell “OMG DUDE GET OFF HER.”
Look sad dragging a kite on the ground at the park and sometimes people will let you join their picnic.
Her: Stop undressing me with your looks.
Me: Sorry! There, I just redressed you.
Her: You idiot. I wasn’t wearing this!
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because for a few miles they believed you were the real bus driver.
My kids are always accusing me of having a favorite child which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them
BAE: wats for lunch
ME: i feel like a sandwich
BAE: u dont LOOK like a sandwich
ME: [secretly been trying to dress sandwichly for weeks] oh.
I’ve reached that age where I don’t have to drink to forget because it just happens naturally now.
another day another dollar?
where’d you find a dollar?
[1st Row at Beyoncé Concert]
Beyoncé: Who run da world?! *points mic at me*
ME: [having briefly heard the song once before] …squirrels?
Friend: How do you keep ending up in these situations?!
Me: *slowly pokes head out of dumpster*
What kind of rifle do comedians use?
JK47’s.
Shoot me.
I hate when I’m in a room with 3 other people, & I have to shove the entire kit kat in my mouth.
“911, what’s the emergency?”
we were robbed. they stole the wireless router
“calm down”
also they shot my grandma or something. not sure
Hot woman *points at my empty glass* hey, want another?
Me: Why would I want another empty glass?
[later]
Me *stops brushing teeth* hang on
i bet it really sucks to throw up if you’re a giraffe
The Church used to teach that all babies that die go to Limbo, but it was easy for them because they’re so short.
a whale has no legs and can still jump higher than you
Kids: Yay! Summer break!
Me: Not so fast. Let me introduce you to…THE GREAT SUMMER CHORE CHART OF 2017!
*3 kids faint, 1 runs away*
“Are you listening?”
“Yes.”
“Are you REALLY listening?”
“I really am.”
“But I mean, are you-”
“I’m not gonna say it, Dave.”![]()
[Jesus on the cross]
*texts with 1 hand* “um dad y hav u 4saken me wtf”
*5 hrs pass*
“new phone. who dis?”