a whale has no legs and can still jump higher than you
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Me, day twenty of law school:
Your diligence, the prosecution rests.
Judge: Counselor, for the third time鈥ou are the defense.
Me: Shit! Can I go again?
My 2022 Resolutions:
1. Don’t die
2. Race a sloth
3. Develop new trust issues
4. Offend more people by being myself
5. Don’t use hashtags
6. Keep tweeting crap like this
Pronounces daughter like laughter because cool dad
Do something nice for your ex today, take them out. One bullet should do the trick.
David Draiman singing “Oh-wa-ah-ah-ah” in the intro of “Down with the Sickness”, but it’s just the sounds I make while trying to put on socks.
“Son do you know how to tell if a pineapple is ripe?”
*throws pineapple against grocery store wall*
“Ah nuts that was a good one.”
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer had a very shiny nose. Other symptoms of his alcoholism included violent rampages and chronic nausea.
Little known fact from Marley and Me, they used 8 different Owen Wilsons during production, so he would look the same age.
I don’t mean to brag, but i’m an amazing sport coach. I can make ppl run very fast.
*From me
Her: Does that dog actually play chess?
Me: He’s not so smart. I beat him 2 games out of 3.
*Dog Barks
Me: Alright, 1 game out of 3.
Girl A: We aren’t actually six years old. We’re six HUNDRED!
Girl B: Yeah. We look this young because we’re actually WITCHES and we take POTIONS to stay young!
Me: Right. But why would you choose to be 1st graders?
Girl B: Uh…
Girl A: It is possible we took too many potions.
Me: I’ve joined a 12-step program.
Friend: That’s great. What are you trying to get off of?
Me: The treadmill very quickly
my ex: i want u back
me: the groupchat said no
I just sneezed and made direct eye contact with my dog and we somehow didn’t switch bodies wtf disney??
My daughter is pissed because I made her miss a forensics club meeting for a dentist appointment and the way she’s staring at me suggests that she’s plotting a way to use her forensic knowledge on me.
“Alex is visiting later tonight.”
Alex from work or Alex the astronaut with amazing hearing?
[From the moon] It’s not me, Thelma. Hi Bob.
I鈥檓 the kind of girl that likes to wake up. Hear the birds chirping. And throw my coffee at them.
I just walked into the living room to find my daughter teaching the family cat to play Cards Against Humanity. I think we’ve run out of ways to pass the time.
I keep hearing “Just be yourself” from everyone. I didn’t realize so many people want me to go to prison 馃檨
[typing autopsy report after lunch] weird, seems the killer spilled some coffee and part of a sandwich inside the victim
*at Pearly Gates
Cat (in dog costume): Uh bark
St. Peter: Mittens, I said no
You鈥檝e got some really nice shoulders. Can I put my arms around them?
Amanda Bynes and Lindsay Lohan have a fight to the death. Who will win?
Everybody.
My sense of humor can best be described as “Are you okay? Did someone hit you in the head?”
When someone buys a new car I like to get them a ziploc bag full of gas as like a car warming present.
Please define the logic when someone says you鈥檙e too much?
Too much what?
Bread, a tale of tears
I had a loaf in my grocery cart when something heavy fell on it. At home, as I am removing it from the car I closed the trunk on it. Once I got it out of the trunk it immediately broke through its bag and fell to the driveway.
Incredibly it tasted amazing
Troll: Horrible thing.
Me: Horrible thing back.
Troll: I was just giving my honest opinion.
Me: Me too.
Troll: But…
I am never too old to redecorate your garden gnomes in the middle of the night.
[1st date]
Him: This is fun
Me: It is
Him: The last girl I went on a date with was the craziest person I’ve ever met
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED