“This is a terrible wine tasting event. ” – me at church.
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If you love them set them free but if you don’t love them this still works
i understand that my body can’t digest corn or whatever. that’s fine. my issue is that i f****** chewed it. how the hell is it coming out back in the shape of corn. what are they not telling us
Shazam but for telling you the name of someone who’s only just been introduced to you 5 minutes ago but you weren’t listening.
Start letting police dip their finger in the drugs and have a taste like in the movies. Recruiting problems solved.
Sorry Mormons, but I don’t trust any religion that believes you can handle three wives while drinking zero beers
Asking every new person I meet if they’re cake.
It’s wildly known that all the great artists of the renaissance era loved eating pizza in sewers.
Popped out a tiny human today so thats neat
In Hell, you cannot peel off the colors on a Rubik’s Cube to solve it
My browser asks “are you sure?” when I clear my history as if theres anyone more sure of what theyre doing than someone clearing his history
[first day working at DMV]
Me: I hope you like paperwork
Guy: I am not a fan
Me: *cautiously lifting paperweight* sounds like something a fan would say
HEARTWARMING! Celebs get together to sing ‘Imagine’ and flush all their unused COVID-19 tests down the toilet
Fitness friend: Do you know what you’re putting in your body?
*flashes back to ex
*shudders
when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok
Man buns are just the beginning, next thing you know it’ll be ok for men to have anything on their heads, like a goat or a small child
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
Don’t rub your happiness in people’s faces this Valentine’s Day. Let the couples enjoy themselves for once.
When I see a door with the sign ‘Door Alarmed’ I always tell the door “don’t worry, it’s only me”
~ It’s all about the empathy.
This is my main handbag, and this is the handbag I have to fit everything that doesn’t fit in my main handbag
Went on a trampoline with my 1 year old and learned that if you jump JUST right it unfortunately turns into a baby catapult.
Columbus has to be the worst guy to go to the mat for. The guy took notes the whole time & all of them are like “they were friendly so I killed them” & “note: we should do slavery here” and everyone else’s notes are like “I am trapped on a boat with a murderer”
her: what are you, like, six feet?
me: *muffled foot noises*
#RubbishJokes
My girlfriend told my that she wanted peace and quiet whilst cooking.So I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm.
My husband drives me to drink.
Unless a friend volunteers.
Damn you, Autocorrect !
Why do you keep changing a word
into something that makes no sense ?You are the banner of my existence.
I keep hearing that my picky eater will eventually grow out of this phase but my husband is 43 now and I’m starting to lose hope
Letting my cat know in a positive way that he’s looking very round today.
[talent show audition]
Me: *pressing lips to mic* I’m a coroner by day and a ventriloquist by night
Judge: whose lips are those?
Him: I’m a morning person
Me *scared of werewolves* w…what are you at night??
Them: The meek shall inherit the earth
the meek: *looks around* umm, I’m good