Columbus has to be the worst guy to go to the mat for. The guy took notes the whole time & all of them are like “they were friendly so I killed them” & “note: we should do slavery here” and everyone else’s notes are like “I am trapped on a boat with a murderer”
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WAITER: Would you like some more bread?
SWORD SWALLOWER: No, but could you get me another butter knife please.
sitcoms would be a lot more believable if they had 5 loads of laundry waiting to be folded on the sofa
Today I did a task I have been dreading for about a month, it took 30 minutes and it was fine.
…. I have learned nothing.
parties in 2004: I hope I don’t get drunk and tell mindy I like her
parties in 2017: I hope this beer company doesn’t support genocide
I took off my shirt when I got home and my wife put her eclipse glasses back on.
What’s the proper salutation to use when writing a resignation letter to your children?
When you meow it is in a really bad accent it is the cat equivalent of the Borat voice just fyi that is how your cat perceives you
What do we want?
An Iphone for fat fingers!
When do we want it?
BOW!
OTHER BOY: why are we all here anyway
ME: I think it’s for the milkshakes
LACTOSE INTOLERANT BOY IN THE YARD: oh no
“The Burning Bush” but it’s just me getting laser hair removal.
[climbs a Tibetan mountain for 6 days & stumbles out of breath into a Buddhist monastery] please. please tell me u have wifi
Is 4 too young to release your kid out into the wild?
Husband: Did you just change from one set of pjs to another?
Me:
H:
Me:
H: …you look great
best thing about tennis is the way the lifeguard shouts the score
[last night]
*does dozens of squats to impress a cute guy at the gym*[this morning]
*takes half an hour to get down a flight of stairs*
[First day as a detective]
Me *pouring a drink*: let’s play never have I ever
Murder suspect:
Me: never have I ever shot a guy
Suspect:
Me: never have I killed guy… even by accident? *nudges their drink closer*
Suspect: dude stop
Me: *mouthing* ᵀᵃᵏᵉ ᵃ ˢᶦᵖ
When people try to debate me online I’m just going to suggest they read a book I make up and that doesn’t exist
My favorite childhood memory is not having a job.
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks. The Thin Mints are mine, bro.
blacksmith: hey, so I’ve finished welding those fruity soda cans together like you asked.
me: Fantastick.
me: point taken lol
guy stabbing me: yeah see that right there is why this is happening
After having a backup camera, it’s really hard to not have one. Driving my daughter’s car and I just assume that I probably backed over a short person.
Me: I don’t care how cute you are, I will tear you to shreds if you don’t start cooperating.
Wrapping paper: *rips*
Why do preachers call them sermons and not Godcasts?
Just as the siren’s song lures sailors to their doom on the rocks, the ding of the microwave calls the unwitting to destroy the roof of their mouth on the molten cheese of the Hot Pocket.
Add a touch of magic to your allergies by filling your mouth with glitter before you sneeze.
I throw naked mini-wheats back in the box like I’m not the one who’s gonna get stuck with the bowl of naked mini-wheats in the end
COUPLE: *rides off into the sunset*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: nope
If you’re an adorable old person in a romcom, you’ve got a massive target on your back