Columbus has to be the worst guy to go to the mat for. The guy took notes the whole time & all of them are like “they were friendly so I killed them” & “note: we should do slavery here” and everyone else’s notes are like “I am trapped on a boat with a murderer”
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Nothing says “I don’t take you seriously” like your dog wagging his tail when you are yelling at him.
*takes 5 more shots*
liver: wyd
brain: wyd
stomach: wyd
me to an ex: wyd
Halloween is the perfect time to trick people into believing you aren’t really going to use that ice pick you’re carrying around.
Hear me out: a dating service that matches you based on your food delivery orders like “this person also ordered Chinese food five nights in a row”
Friend: What a cute baby! Boy or girl?
Me: Guess
Friend: What’s its name?
Me: Spork
ME: Hit the panic button we’re being robbed
COLLEAGUE: It’s not working
ME: [hears ice cream truck pull up] Oh it’s working
[hunting]
“In order to attract the stag, I perform the special call”
[clears throat, cups hands round mouth]
“COME OVER HERE, ANTLER JERK”
Keep the business cards from people you don’t like. That way, if you should ever hit a parked car, you can leave it on the windscreen
Why did the chicken go to the gym?
To work on his pecks.
Okay
So many pants.
So little yoga.
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
A girl at the gym waved at me so I waved back. as it turned out she wasn’t waving at me
so now I’m gonna incorporate the hand wave into my exercising routine until she leaves
if you can’t handle me at my worst is there another preferably more affordable therapist you can refer me to
me: what are you going to be when you grow up?
5: beautiful.
People are posting pictures of their Christmas trees all decorated, and I’m over here like, “Does anyone know if we have a clean plate?!”
‘Why don’t you come over here and taste these Doritos…’
– Romancing the stoned
Me: what’s the weather like?
Mom: just open the door and find out
Me: *opens cargo hatch and is sucked out of airplane* it’s
W
I
N
D
ᴰ
ʸ
ʸ
ʸ
My cooking show would just be an hour of me looking for Tupperware lids.
A teacher grabbed my arm in the 3rd grade and pulled me to the back of the line. When I asked what I did, she said you know what you did. I’m 47 and I still don’t know.
Either I just stepped in dog shit or the stench of my parent’s disappointment has started following me around.
Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich
Me: You too!
Subway Guy:
Me:
Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now
A fun thing to do when someone shows you a picture of their new baby is to look confused and just say “I don’t get it?”
Therapist: so next time we feel that rage, we stop, we count down from five, and then we….
Me: …sweep the leg?
Fun fact: Girls who tweet about sports will not do that thing you like.
[Obama giving Trump the White House tour]
O: and here’s the toaster, it tends to stick so don’t be afraid to jam a fork in to get it workin
Might cry like a baby hoping to get scooped up by a dingo.
“I’m not going to eat anything today”
“Pie?”
“Please”
Took a bunch of ibuprofen to keep my tweets from being too inflammatory
me: I challenge you to a fish fight
them: you mean fist fight?
Me: [gently putting bass knuckles on my best goldfish Reginald] no