After having a backup camera, it’s really hard to not have one. Driving my daughter’s car and I just assume that I probably backed over a short person.
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guy at work just said he is going to see the new Jurassic Park movie and someone said “is that the one about dinosaurs?”
I hate when people talk down to me like I don’t already know I’m an idiot.
Well well well… looks like someone put on some weight again.
~ my pants right now
Ronald McDonald and the Burger King have been battling each other for decades. Which is odd, because you’d expect it to have been a *looks at camera* FAST FEUD
Friend: “You really shouldn’t let pets sleep in your bed.”
Me: “But I like cuddling!”
Friend: “I think your goldfish is dead now.”
All sex is safe sex if you keep your bright orange reflective vest on.
[Old lady] Please dont pet my dog. She’s a service dog
[Me] Omg I’m so sorry (stands up straight & salutes dog) Thank you for your service
Rather than crush the spider I started telling it about my fantasy football team and it peacefully left on its own.
Chasing my dream
Dream: I have a girlfriend
*replies to every political email asking for money with my own email asking for money*
I have faith in unanswered prayers, unless I am stepping on the scale.
Sock seller: sorry, no Christmas discounts
Centipede grandma: please I have 1 grandchildren
What was that movie where the guy shrunk his kids then told his wife about it
dating tip #4: when meeting her brother for the 1st time make sure when he goes for the handshake u kiss him on the lips to assert dominance
Owner: What makes you qualified to be the new zookeeper?
Me: I found the place
Owner: So?
Me: Finders keepers
Owner: *leans back in chair* Well damn
Skeletor: Nice ride
He-Man: Thanks
Skeletor: Prince Adam has a pet tiger too
He-Man: Yeah? Complete different guy though
you know you drank too much when you wake up and your liver is on the pillow next to you crying.
LA today:
“I can’t find this book on the shelf.”
“I’m sorry, it looks like we don’t have that book in the library system.”
“But you had this book five years ago!”
“Sir, I had so many things five years ago.”
[shopping for a house]
Me: It’s nice but I was thinking something a little bigger.
Realtor: This is my office.
Son (pointing): “Daddy what’s that?”
Me: “that’s a goat.”
Son: “Why?”
Me: …
I wonder what went down that day to make them put *NO heavy petting* signs up at the public swimming pool
BREAKING NEWS: Bread is extremely toxic to humans.
“Just throw it all in a lake somewhere,” says one long-billed scientist
maybe bears omly like honey so much becuase their throats hurt from all the growlimg they do
I can’t believe one of you losers hasn’t married me yet
One of my shoes has developed a squeak and now any walking I do has a slightly downcast Charlie Brown quality to it
Coworker: The thing that sucks about vacation is dreading going back to work
Me: Oh I don’t need vacation to feel that way
Me, at the edge of a cliff: HEEEEEEELP
My therapist:” EnjOy the mOment”
I could see how 2 deaf guys arguing would appear to be gang related.
I hope someone makes you feel special today. I’m not doing it, I’m busy.