I hope someone makes you feel special today. I’m not doing it, I’m busy.
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does the “apple a day keeps the doctor away” thing work on all types of doctors? my neighbor is a PhD in marine biology and keeps trying to talk to me about the various uses of squid ink
Is it just me, or have KFCs started getting too picky with their ‘no shoes, no shirt, no service’ policy…?
nobody:
ppl with clear cases:
What did the bra say to the hat? “You go on a head, I’ll give these two a lift.” (I’m back to silly jokes. Probably for the best.)
person i just met reaches out for hand shake
me, realizing my hand is embarrassingly cold: thanks but i know enough people
I’m sure Leonardo DiCaprio‘s girlfriend is a wonderful person but I saw a headline that said she “has a message for her haters” and all I could think was “is it ‘I really need my .5 lead mechanical pencil back before Bio’”
Sixteenth rule of fight club: membership dues received after the 5th of the month will incur a 10% processing fee
He died in the bath trying to make a YouTube video entitled ‘Aqua-Toast’.
I judge the strength of the economy based on what type of candy people hand out on Halloween.
me telling my computer i’ll update everything tomorrow
Me: hands up, this is a robbery?
7-11 cashier:
Therapist: what did we talk about
Me: (firmly) this is a robbery.
me, in the confessional: well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers.
the priest: is there another religion you can join?
I’m no socialist but I do believe everyone is born with an inherent right to as many dipping sauces for their mcnuggets as they want.
Frankly, my stomach would constantly be hurting if I was ever on love island because what you mean our kiss meant nothing. What you mean I have to watch you get to know other people right in front of my salad. What. Do. You. Mean.
There is nothing in the world that lowers your IQ faster than trying to use someone else’s coffee machine.
Well if you cant buy babys at Babys R Us what in the world do they sell?
Take it from me; I have reverse kleptomania.
*comes home from work
*wife jumps in my arms
*sees I’m crying
wife: Why are you crying?
me: You just crushed all the Oreo’s in my fanny pack
Sober me: I hate drunk people
Me after first drink: WHERE MY DRUNK PEOPLE AT
TEACHER: and James, what does your daddy do?
JAMES: he’s a-
ME, still undercover: A DRUG DEALER I’m a drug dealer
Teachers are getting ridiculous with sending out homeschooling projects.
We have an English and History assignment due in two days and we don’t even have kids.
Welcome to your 40’s. You appreciate handrails now.
Oscillating fans are for people that want to be cool every 5-7 seconds.
In a war with my neighbor to see who can attract more hummingbirds. We need more wars like this.
The Five Sizes of Penises:
1. Small
2. Medium,
3. Large,
4. Oh My God!…and
5. Is that available in white??
Marriage Counselor: Maybe you should change your responses to the things your wife says.
Me: Fine, I can do that.*two days later*
Her: Do these jeans make me look fat?
Me: Yep.
It’s been almost six years since my first child was born, and three years from my second. I’m about to attempt a feat I haven’t dared for as long.
I’m about to put on a white shirt.
I’m so thankful for the guy who pressed the crosswalk button 10x after watching me push it.
I bet his will be the winning push that saves the day.
The best part about living during a global plague as climate collapse ravages a planet poised on the brink of world war is definitely getting up every day to make sure the spreadsheets are still spreadsheeting.
Guys are always ‘just kidding’ unless you say yes