Oscillating fans are for people that want to be cool every 5-7 seconds.
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I told my husband to tell me I don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm and he had the NERVE to say, “You don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm.”
[performance review]
boss: what would you say is your biggest strength
me: i’m consistent
boss: but you’re late every morning
me: ya
Why is it called an exorcist’s holy water and not disinfecthaunt?
…and send
Legacy implies the existence of armacy.
TEXT FROM WIFE: I bought some plant based cheese
ME: Treese
HER: I hate you
One side of our sink has a garbage disposal. The other side is where my daughter just dumped a full bowl of cereal.
Me: What sneakers are you wearing?
Her: Converse
Me: Omg Sandra, that’s what I’m trying to do.
My dog’s pissed cos I buy him Senior food. He won’t admit he’s older now. So I scratch out the “i” on each can & tell him it’s Mexican food.
My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri
excusing myself in the middle of a date to go to the bathroom and baby-wipe down my whole body. to keep it weird.
[first day as a private investigator]
Boss: you’re late
Me: I couldn’t find the building
Just passed a psychiatric hospital. Anyways, wanted to let you know I was thinking of you today.
[unzips fannypack filled with jellybeans and some fall out]
Dammit
[bends over to pick them up and the rest spill out]
DAMMIT
Million dollar idea: A tampon that whistles like a tea kettle when it’s done
Also I have no idea how tampons work
I’m glad we evolved from apes. If we evolved from chameleons, we’d constantly be walking into each other.
ME: *Buying unnecessary & expensive gadget*
CASHIER: How will you be paying for this?
ME: Probably with an argument and no sex for a month
Forgot my wallet at home & filled up at the gas station so I have to leave some collateral. Not leaving my phone there so 4 year old it is.
I have a scar on my lower back from the time I bounced on a trampoline and landed on one of the springs the wrong way.
I call it my trampoline stamp.
Interviewer: Are you a natural leader?
Me: *steps out of his office* Sweet Caroline…
Everyone: BOM BOM BOM
Interviewer: Damn you’re good.
i think we should see other cousins
Someday future archaeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think it was some bizarre mouse-worshiping kingdom.
HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i get angry wrong?
HER: yes
ME: *balling toes* this is delightful
DETECTIVE: Where were you on the night of July 11th?
WALDO: (slides book across the table) You tell me, boss.
Dr: I need a urine and stool sample.
Me: *hands him my underwear*
Dr:……
Me: Its all there.
Pronounces Canada like armada and i’m not from there so obviously i’m not sorry.
A gathering of crows is called a murder.
A gathering of eagles is called a convocation.
A gathering of old girlfriends is called a mistake,
…a terrible, terrible mistake.
I recently took a pole and found that 100% of the people were angry when the tent collapsed.
The most dangerous game to play is “resting your eyes” in the morning after shutting off your alarm 😂😂
I read that the smarter a woman is, the harder it is for her to find a man.
MENSA should be calling me any minute, apparently.
I like to think I’m smart
Then I miss the chair I just moved into place and end up sitting on the ground