detective: lot of mysterious break ins lately
chief: anything we can do?
detective: sure, lock homes
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Cavemen who roamed the earth were Meander-thals.
*Me, getting my arm bitten off during a zombie apocalypse*
5: *crying*
Me: It’s okay, son.
5: You said you were gonna get me a snack.
Some of us better hope Santa doesn’t check Twitter because if he does all we’re getting for Christmas is therapy.
If someone asks us why we didn’t have kids I ask them how many people they’ve had sex with, and when the awkward silence hits it’s peak I’ll ask if I’m playing the none of your business game correctly.
My kid said if I don’t stop calling it ‘Instantgram’ that he won’t talk to me for the entire Summer. So I’m going to start saying ‘The Facebook’ as well, just to be sure.
Me: my Husband always wanted a Viking funeral
Friend: but weren’t you supposed to wait until he died to shoot him with a flaming arrow?
Me: ugh, that’s what the jury said too.
Guard: visiting hours are up.
I’m not buying it that each village only had one idiot
Don’t know what this myth is about cell usage blowing up a gas pump. I’m filling my tank right now. See? It’s no big de
Walking down the road last night, I passed an apple pie, an ice cream sundae, and a lemon cheesecake.
I thought: “the streets are strangely desserted tonight”.
I’ve got so much respect for Jack White calling his song “seven nation army”, mentioning the seven nation army in the first line and then never saying another thing about them
And in that moment, she decided to stand up for herself
Never again would she do what Simon said
Cop: Lets go, boys, no meth in this house.
*zoom to fish tank*
Fish 1: *nods*
Fish 2: [taps on pirate ship] Resume cooking, Lenny.
*bubbles*
*throws goods on conveyor belt*
Cashier: is that all sir?
Me:”Nope. You got change for a trophy?”
Who has time to monitor followers/unfollowers?
I can barely keep track of my kids and I only have 1 of those.
Wait.
Two. I have 2 kids.
At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?
“Cu Later!” – a guy who wants some Copper, but not right now.
me: how much for the cow bras?
salesperson: those are gloves
DOMINOS PIZZA TRACKER: Your pizza was just flushed down the toilet!
MICHELANGELO: oh hell yeah
SCARECROW WIFE: Did you pick up milk?
SCARECROW:Oh I forgot
SCARECROW WIFE: You’d forget your brain if…
SCARECROW: If what Hayley?…Say it
doctor: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
doctor: *notices my “gamers don’t die they just respawn” shirt* you can just say yes
My dad did not let me watch Dexter’s Labratory because he said it was unrealistic. “A lab that size would absolutely devastate the foundation of the house” he would say.
[medusa’s husband sighing and pulling a wad of snakes out of the shower drain]
bartender: what’s wrong with you
best man: they kicked me out because i dropped the mike after the wedding toast
bartender: well that’s excessive-
best man: mike is the groom
I’ve reached a tipping point in life where my interest in baked goods is greater than my interest in men and I’m calling this new chapter doughs before bros
My cat that died 3 years ago got a letter saying she needs to register if she wants to vote, showing how well Florida handles elections.
Sometimes I say, “Damn you to hell” after someone sneezes, just to mix it up a bit.
My son asked to go to an amusement park for his birthday so he could ride roller coasters.
We went. He didn’t feel like riding them.
We came home. He is now watching roller coasters online and asking when we can go back.
That sums up parenting pretty well.
This afternoon a crew of men were installing Christmas lights on a house down the street. The next thing I hear is a boy yelling, “It’s not Decemberrrrrr!!”
That’s how I knew my son was home from school.
Why do they put Valentines Day candy in a box shaped like a heart? It’s kind of like eating ice cream out of a lung…
It’s frankly disgusting that it’s illegal to be an accessory/accomplice. It should never be a crime to be supportive of a friend