Why do they put Valentines Day candy in a box shaped like a heart? It’s kind of like eating ice cream out of a lung…
You Might Also Like
so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney you’re some big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys ppl get very upset
her: we should get a labrador
me: idk seems like ppl with those go blind
The man who invented the iPhone battery has died.
His funeral will take plac
My toxic trait is my personality or so I’ve been told.
Arranged my own kidnapping.
Found out after the fact that there’s no actual napping involved.
I’m awake, in a trunk. This is bullshit.
The worst thing about wearing a turtleneck is not being able to get up off of your back if you fall over.
big fan of the comma, just great. like look, i just made you pause the sentence as you read it. oh look, i just did it again.
Woman came up to me in Target & whispered, “You have toilet paper hanging out of your shorts.”
I said, “Well don’t you have nerve. No one EVER bothers me about my tail at the WalMart.”
Bought coffee flavoured ice cream hoping the kids would hate it and I could have it all but NOPE! Joke’s on me!
Curse you,
gloriously divine Häagen-Dazs in literally any flavour.
Him: You seem super chill.
Me: You seem like a bad judge of character.
I got a message on Facebook that said, “Your a lawyer, right?”
Me, “*You’re.”
May have lost a new client but they learned something today.
ME: [deep in thought] it’s just so scary, u know?
HER: what is, life?
ME: [imagining an octopus holding 8 samurai swords] yes. Life.
First rule of having a pet is to say everything twice. The second time in a sillier voice than the first.
You actually can put a genie back in the bottle. You just have to purée them and use a funnel.
I like my women like I like my moon: hidden behind a dark mist and worshipped by wolves
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He was allergic to bees. His shoes smelled like old bananas.
a female xylophonist is called a xxlophonist.
[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want..
Me: I want you to take our kid to soccer practice tomorrow.
Men and women CAN be just friends. But only if one of them is ugly.
I can tell exactly how much someone weighs by how much noise they make when I push them down the stairs.
[80% of bar rescue eps]
TAFFER: this employee stole $150,000 dollars from you, burned your car, and killed your dog. he says he would happily do it again. what are you gonna do?
OWNER:
TAFFER:
OWNER:
TAFFER:
OWNER:
TAFFER: you’re going to fire him
OWNER: I’m going to fire him
landlord: your income needs to be 3x rent
me: can you tell my boss that
When I get calls from unknown numbers I panic, decline and then wait for the voicemail like I’m about to be murdered.
Me: Honey, would you please go downstairs and get mommy’s medicine and bring it up to her?
3yo: *Brings up a bottle of whiskey*
Me:
Hubby: “Well, she’s not wrong…”
Seems a lot like 2021 keeps asking, “What would 2020 do?”
Emotions so raw, Gordon Ramsay makes a clever joke about them.
[ interview at funeral home ]
director: are you ok being around death
me: *picturing all my houseplants* yes
One of the perks of being self employed is sex with the boss.
If laughing is good for you because you use 15 muscles, think how healthy you’ll be if you’re breaking a chair on someone’s head every day.
Finally got around to emptying vegetable drawer of the fridge before something started its independence movement in there.