Emotions so raw, Gordon Ramsay makes a clever joke about them.
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Me: Look pal, I’m not some princess that needs to be rescued, ok?
Bagger: Ma’am, we help everyone with their groceries.
Me: Fine! One date.
Doctor: *eyes wide*
Me: let me start by saying it seemed like a good idea at the time
Today I did a task I have been dreading for about a month, it took 30 minutes and it was fine.
…. I have learned nothing.
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: can I give some feedback?
me: what did I just say
“Rogue One” idea:
The spies anxiously wait to meet their new commander.
Boldly – regally – he strides into the room.
“Mesa Jar-Jar Binks”
Me: hey boy, wanna go back to my place and *hand jerking motion*
Him: oh yeah
[my place]
Me: *slams cup down on the table* YAHTZEE!!!
Nose
I left Facebook because of the arguments about politics. That and seeing relatives I can’t stand. It was like having a family Christmas dinner every day.
My current situation
I’m not real sure if my neighbors are having sex or playing ping-pong in flip-flops and shouting in Russian
Facebook-
You: Going to a concert tonight!
Friend: Sweet, what concert?
Aunt: WHAT IS ITUNEZ?????? HOW IS YOUR DAD????? I LOVE YOU XOXOXO
Me *googling* are people who steal ducks called abducktors or kidquackers?
FBI agent monitoring me: *reaching for whiskey* Jesus Christ
“How many people have you slept with?”
– Someone who wants to hear a lie
I blocked her number when we broke up. But I never stopped waiting for her message ever..!
Lord of the Rings: A Shortened Version
-Give me the ring.
-No.
If a duckling is a baby duck, I don’t want to eat dumplings.
Girl: I love Medieval Art
Boy: Who doesn’t? There he is now
Medieval Art: Good morrow! Pray tell- How fare thee on this day of providence?
They really taught us calculus and then left us to fend for ourselves when it comes to taxes and putting the duvet cover back on
You know what has zero calories and zero carbs? A nap.
I just reached in my purse for a pen and found a full 4 pack chicken nugget box from McDonalds.
So I get it, squirrels. I get it.
SICK’EM SPIKE!!!
[the burglar and I stare as my pet turtle walks very slowly across the room]
When I was 5 my life ambition was to ride on a parade float. That happened when I was 6.
I didn’t really plan past that, and still haven’t.
Crocodile towels ☺ @funTweeters @fun_tweets
“I hate you but I love you. I miss you but you make me sick. You’re wonderful but get away from me” -My love letter to carbs
Me: My son totaled another car.
Progressive: I see that you insure 3 teen sons?
M: yes
P: *covers phone* HEY GUYS, WE’RE GOING TO ARUBA!
To bye at an auction you should bid adieu
Hey waiters-I don’t ever ‘save room for dessert’, I just stuff it in there and pray to God I don’t have an accident.
“Never let ‘em see you sweat” is my motto when I go to the gym
The fridge beeped at my 5yo because he left the door open too long deciding what to eat, and he yelled back IT’S AN EMERGENCY OK
“You have too much stuff”
– My parents, who constantly leave stuff at my house