Me: Look pal, I’m not some princess that needs to be rescued, ok?
Bagger: Ma’am, we help everyone with their groceries.
Me: Fine! One date.
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Nothing fills an awkward silence like a 10 minute kazoo solo.
If I could be any super hero I’d be The Flash, but instead of wearing his costume I’d wear a trench coat. Same name, different purpose.
When I was in 1st or 2nd grade my teacher once incorrectly marked that I had misspelled the word “weird” on some schoolwork. Rather than looking it up in the dictionary to prove I was right, my parents had me bring in this coffeetable book of pulp magazine covers to show her.
Lucifer: what if we make lots of bugs?
God: love it, it’s done!
[3 days later]
Lucifer: how was your trip to earth?
God: *covered in bug bites* i’m moving your office to the basement.
If you don’t answer your kid’s tenth “MOM!”, I will…and what I say will keep them awake for 3 days. Better ask “what?”
What the hell happened in there??
If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.
My new favourite people are the Americans who complain about the air quality while chuffing on vapes all day.
Just told my sleeping husband I lost two lbs, to which he replied, with his eyes still closed, “I’ll help you find them. We’ll look later”
Roses are red, you always mattered,
Limbo is the only sport where being really bad at it means you’re raising the bar.
I’m a lover, not a fighter. So if anyone is giving you trouble and you need me to have sex with them, I’m your man.
Water balloon fight, but the balloons are filled with mayo.
I sexually identify as a hand grenade
A homeless woman outside of Walmart winked at me this morning, long story short, it’s going to be an August wedding.
“I’m so stoked!”
-An excited fireplace
Wanna buy something but can’t find it online?
Just text someone about it! Instagram will show you ads the next minute.
Problem solved.
Me: I’m going to shower
6: you’re beautiful! You don’t need to shower!
Me: Aw, than-
6: just some make up would help
I wonder if giraffes can eat so much their stomach explodes bc they just don’t know it right away cuz it’s in their neck for so long. What.
Once I get enough sleep and reduce my caffeine intake, it’s over for you twitches.
Me: “I keep looking for love in all the wrong places.”
*later at the abandoned mine*
Me: “Hello?! Would anybody like a date?!”
Studies show that 100% of all parents think alcohol tastes much better after spending the day with children.
The worst place to be quote tweeted…Divorce Papers
My landlord is pissed off at me for being naked in the front yard…and now he just asked me to leave his cookout.
Me: “I love you so much. I bought you this beautiful rare green rose.”
GF: “That’s a cabbage…..”
Me: “YOU ARE SOOOO UNGRATEFUL, DIANE.”
Using the toilet on the airplane means I’m certified to teach yoga now.
Halloween. A kid comes to the door with a sign”I love ceilings”
What are you?
A Ceiling Fan.
Gave him all the candy.
I love you so much, I’ll just sit at home and stare at my phone to make you notice.
I don’t understand why you guys complain about never being able to finish a tube of chapstick, it usually only takes me 2 or 3 bites.
I have a lot of unemployment jokes…
None of them work.