Glad I hooked up a subwoofer so the kids can watch TikTok compilations on YouTube with bass that frightens the cat.
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Why is it that when other women wear a chain over a turtleneck it looks impossibly chic but when I do it I look like that 1994 photo of The Rock
You Can Either Verify Whether This Inspirational Story Is True Or Share It Now And Reap The Precious Social Capital
anytime I meet someone who doesn’t like dogs I assume their backstory is that they were cut from their high school basketball team because airbud took their spot
At my job interview today the Boss said,
“You’re shaking, don’t be so nervous.”
So I told him, “Oh, I’m not nervous, I’m an alcoholic.”
Me: *Being strip searched*
Cop: The dancing really is not necessary
I’m not proud of the person I become when I see a cheese tray at a party.
hate how quietly iphones die. at 5% it should start verbally begging for its life
[gets bit by spider]
[I don’t get powers]
[spider suddenly becomes tired & instantly hates Peppa Pig]
“So hell isn’t too bad,” I say from the podium. “I just keep teaching?”
“Actually…” said a demon
“Actually…” said another
“ACTUALLY…”
Of course men used to think women were witches. Women threw some yeast and flour together and “poof” there’s bread. Witches, I tell you.
HR says I’m not allowed to scream “OH GOD IT BURNS MAKE IT STOP” when I walk through the front door at work anymore 🙁
My mom was concerned about my drinking so I told her I was done drinking for good. She let out a sigh of relief until I told her I was now drinking for evil.
Who chose this font
If your idea of an “Epic” deal is $5 off then we may have different interpretations of that word, Pottery Barn.
Her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride dolphins
Me: i’m taking a plane Linda
My wife persuaded me to get a cat on the grounds they’re independent and take care of themselves.
Anyway, here’s a picture of me helping Bobby off the shed roof after he got stuck. Again.
Me: You’re old and out of shape and way past your prime, but you are nice.
Mirror: Yes, you do seem nice.
[sexting]
HER: ok well i think we’re done here lol
ME: it’s bc i used ‘betwixt’ isn’t it?[typing ellipses for a solid minute]
HER: yes
Assert dominance by bringing up religion, sex, vaccines, politics and world war 2 in the first 30 minutes at your new partner’s family Christmas lunch.
that feeling when you use the same word twice in a sentence and it looks like you know five words in total
People who live in Lego houses should not walk around without shoes.
If you are going to make me scan my own groceries, give me an intercom too
How come it’s called an “engagement ring” and not kneel diamond?
You’re telling me that you paid eight dollars for a cup of coffee…
They don’t put any booze in it or nothin?
Word find for ghosts:
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
Squid Game, but it’s me giving my cat a bath.
presidents day is just a holiday created by “Big President” to get us to buy more presidents
Nothing kept my grandmother from her health and fitness regimen. Every morning, rain or shine, that woman walked five miles each way to the liquor store.
Just vacuumed for the first time in a really long time and apparently I have hardwood floors?
the cat has to wear the cone of shame and i woke up to her standing over me like a homicidal lamp and any way i’ll never be going back to sleep again