People who live in Lego houses should not walk around without shoes.
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I was in the park vaping in a tree when skateboard punk yolo teens called me “poor,” but jokes on them — I make hundreds of dollars a year.
4yo: When you’re 9, you can drive
Me: Pretty sure you have to be older
4yo: Some people can drive at 9
Me: A little older
4yo: Ya, it’s 9
George W Bush kept us safe just like how abstinence education kept Bristol Palin unpregnant.
(Recently turned) 14: Can I borrow the car?
Me: What? No!
14: Just practicing.
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wearing my wifeās clothes standing in the mirror.
I’m never more irritated by fashion than when I’m trying to stuff something in a fake pocket!
I say “correct me if I wrong” just to make people listen to me.
Not today.. š
the ‘grandma exploit’ is undoubtedly my favorite chatbot jailbreak to date. source here:
think of all the paper we are saving complaining online.
My billionaire can beat up your billionaire.
Joel Osteen wouldn’t open his megachurch to flood victims. Let’s not jump to conclusions. Maybe he has two of every kind of animal in there.
Professor X: what’s your superpower?
Me: I’m half horse, half Isaac Newton
Professor X: oh… ok. listen, we don’t have any openings right now bu-
Me: they call me The Centaur of Gravity
Professor X: welcome aboard
CNN: Trump removes screaming baby from rally
Fox News: Trump rally interrupted by another unruly, entitled protestor who still lives at home
parenting hack: take your kids to the park then just leave them there. start a new life. be you. enjoy traveling again. make new friends that don’t care what color the cup or bowl is. you don’t need that negativity in your life. be free.
Thank you for the lovely invitation card, I will be using it to remove spiders from my house for the foreseeable future.
Bill is short for Billiam
Miles: Mom what does clitoral damage mean?
Me: š³ Use it in a sentence, baby
Miles: Like clitoral damage in a war?
Me: Co-lat-er-ul, babe
CASHIER: *squinting at credit card* Bruce Wayne, huh?
BATMAN: shit
A few years ago I started texting joke ideas to myself and after a few months I found out Iād typed my own number wrong when I got a text back that āplease stop doing thisā
I donāt understand why the pediatrician runs hearing tests, all you have to do is open a tub of ice cream 2 floors away in the middle of the night and you can tell if your kid can hear
Would the person who has been writing my horoscope please lighten up.
Blind Date
Me: Iāve read āThe Catcher in the Ryeā 5 times.
Him: I like watching Swamp People – they catch gators. What are they catching in your book?
[later on]
Him to his friend: Nah she drinks too much.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you have a flock of sheep that’s having trouble with foxes/dogs get an alpaca. The alpaca will happy join the flock as a ‘long sheep’ and will kick the shit out of anyone who messes with its gang.
Source: grew up on a farm.
Take your age and add 5 years to it.
That is your age in 5 years.
Me: Do you like being right-handed?
Hubby: Umm, sure… why?
Me: Take another one of my fries again and see…
Alien: this planet sucks I donāt know how you do it
Me: *slowly opens pizza box*
Alien: dude
*Wakes up in Superman’s body*
Me: Holy crap! I’m finally a hero!
*Uses heat vision to re-heat last night’s pizza & puts on Netflix*
My 1-year-old already knows how to open the baby gate. She stands there, screams, and I open the gate for her.
my ex was like āi know a spotā then took me to the lowest point in my life