me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
You Might Also Like
Me: how do I get one of those singing groups?
Director: you mean a choir?
Me: *exasperated sigh* yes fine, how do I acquire one of those singing groups?
True story on this from a place I worked. Guy knew he was going to be fired on Monday, we were closed Sundays, and he was the last person in the building Saturday. Put jello (powder) in all the toilet tanks before leaving. Called in sick Monday.
Me: don’t ever speak like that to me again
Alarm clock: *continues to beep*
Batman is awfully lazy when it comes to naming all of his shit.
Those who ignore the past are doomed to flunk their history test.
DATE: so what kind of writing do you do?
ME: um, cursive, regular…
DATE: no I mean-
ME: actually I can’t do cursive :/
Me, at 15: I’m going to change the world!
Me, at 25: I’m going to change the workforce!
Me, at 35: I’m going to change out of my pajamas tomorrow.
Been laughing about this for about 5 consecutive minutes
I was the only one wearing a mask in the supermarket this morning, so I made everyone empty their pockets.
wife: don’t eat that, u know it won’t agree with u
me: yes it will
taco: no I won’t
Me: A psychiatrist? That’s silly. There’s no such thing as “too obsessed with bagels.”
Her: Says who?
Me: Sesame
Actually you’re having a conversation with yourself. I’m just here so you don’t appear totally insane.
I’m not paranoid but if you’re plotting against me let me know so I can prepare some snacks beforehand.
Are wings and mini tacos okay?
What idiot named it “proposing marriage” and not “engaging the enemy”?
My son was mad at me today so he told me as much punishment I had to go to my room and sleep for 24 hours. If I got hungry, he’d bring me whatever food I wanted, but I was not allowed to leave my bed for one whole day.
If you need me, I’ll be on vaca-, I mean, in my room.
How do people know spiders are more afraid of me than I am of them? Like, did you ask him? Because only one of us is screaming right now.
there are no buff wizards in Harry Potter, no gym in Hogwarts, no-one does a push-up at any point. I could crack Ron Weasley’s spine like a glowstick
I just learned that there’s a porn genre that involves being fucked and fed junk food at the same time so I guess this is “goodbye.”
I’ve tried playing Jenga with children. But it’s so much easier using the little wooden blocks.
Hey, people “liking” Walmart on Facebook – you OK?
me, at burger king: before we begin this transaction i would like to introduce you to my hamburger advisor
cashier: okay, what would you like to order?
my hamburger advisor: {whispers to me before turning to the cashier} we would like to see the hamburger first
There should be a “Life of Pi” TV show, where they throw a different D-list celebrity in a boat with a tiger every week.
Me: Ma’am your pet is loud.
Lady: That’s my baby.
Me: Ma’am your pet baby is loud
[watching the avengers with my wife]
(scene where the hulk appears)
me: *nudges wife* that’s shrek
rooster: sorry totally overslept lol you weren’t late for anything important were you
fourth wiseman:
Boss: “I want it on my desk by 9 on Monday”
Me: “Say no more”
[Monday]
Boss: “Where’s my report?”
Me: “Shhh”
My girlfriend told me she loved me and wanted to marry me so I shot her in self defense.
I hate restaurants where they won’t let you bring your own mariachi band.
doctor: you fell 5 feet and hit your head. you might have some brain damage
me: did i break my legs?
doctor: it was only 5 feet
me: and they’re ALL broken?!
He asked if I was flexible so I sent him a pic of my stretch marks