Turn ons include knobs, faucets, buttons, handles, cranks, and ignitions.
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Me: Which is closer, the moon or California?
Granddaughter: The moon. I can’t see California from here.
If the British had won, today we’d all be celebrating the Fouurth of July
The neighbors are angry, but I work during the day & I would like to know what time other than night do they expect me to complete the kind of blasting needed to begin the construction of my backyard hydroelectric dam?
Amazing how many stupid choices are made on smart phones.
Directions on tooth whitener say avoid coffee, red wine and cola. If I could do that, why would I need whitener?
Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.
Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.
me: do you guys still give lollipops after sticking in the needle?
drug dealer: what?
“I’d love to go to the moon” I said “but on a full moon day of course, no point going all that way when only half of it’s there”
I wore a beanie hat in public and people kept trying to buy drugs from me. I made $1200 but now I’m out of breath mints.
Just posted missing flyers of my cheeseburger all around the neighborhood. So far, no cheeseburger. It’s as if people don’t even care.
The 90s were a glorious time because you were always surprised where Pizza Hut was going to hide more cheese
my biggest flaw is saying “don’t worry i’m gucci” when in fact i am t.j maxx
Qsieowrrtpd
That’s me picking off pieces of quinoa from my iPad
One of the best compliments I ever received was when my brother told me that Mystery Science Theater 3000 was “basically like watching a movie with you.”
My parents sold their house like a month ago but my mother JUST realized she did not uninstall the special fire alarms she had put in that are a recording of her own voice screaming at me and my sister to “GET OUT OF THE HOUSE BECAUSE MOM’S CANDLES CAUGHT THE HOUSE ON FIRE”
My band is so indie we don’t even record together. You have to buy 4 separate cds and play them at the same time.
MY GIRLFRIEND: Did you see that?? Those fireworks made that skywriter hit that hot-air balloon!
ME: Oh my God! What kind of lunatic is responsible for this?? Oh hey, incidentally, will you marry me?
Husband: Want any Chic-fil-A brought home?
Me: Yes, I’d like the one by the mall, please.
I don’t even have a calendar anymore, I just go to my guys group chat and write “Tuesdays am I right fellas” and if nobody says “you said it brother” then I know it’s not Tuesday
Me: What did she send you on Snapchat?
My pre-teen: A picture of a wall.
Me: What did you send back?
My pre-teen: The ceiling.
*ruins your party with a can of Serious String*
While a leaf blower is a close second, my preferred cleaner is a flamethrower.
[tearing off our clothes]
Her: I want you. Take off your shoes.
*kicks flip-flop through her TV*
Just a phase…
Me: OMG, what a great day!
Anxiety: Wait for it…
So the US is to send 3000 troops to help combat ebola.
Does anyone else get the feeling they don’t know what ebola is?
Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
“Make it rain” is the only appropriate response when asked if you want parmesan cheese.
I’m sorry. I know I said hi, but I wasn’t really prepared for any follow-up conversation.
[Quarantine, Day 5]
Me: Amelia, push my afternoon meetings this conference call is running long
My daughter’s Amelia Bedelia doll wearing a Bluetooth: