We have a big clock on the wall of our living room and now my toddler, who can’t say her L’s very well, loves pointing out other “big clocks” everywhere we go
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Some kids grab headphones and go to their room when loud construction equipment starts working on their street, and then you have some who grab a drink and a lawn chair and camp out.
WIFE: Why is the zoo calling us about a missing coyote?
ME: [bleeding profusely] So… not a dog
My 8yo isn’t concerned about Covid-19 because she can, as she puts it:
Survive in harsh conditions.
She’s never even been been camping.
[Heart: Tell her her eyes are windows into eternity, filled with fire…
Brain: Beacons, stars in a vast darkness]
Mouth: HEY GREAT EYEBALLS
Whenever I get a call from a telemarketer, I just treat them like a free therapist. We can talk about my car’s extended warranty after you figure out why I’m afraid of pralines.
Me: I still have water in my ears from yesterday. I can’t hear the kids.
Wife: You should shake it out.
Me: Why would I want to do that?
Just like my overly critical mother, every time I see children I want to belittle again.
It is so fuckin funny that theres a mustache you cant have. Theres a forbidden kind of mustache
if they go extinct, would they be goodbyenas?
so dumb when forks have less than four pokey things. who do u think u are. a threek? ha
“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”
Go ahead and kidnap me. You’ll return me when my meds wear off.
For several weeks my preschooler has begged to go to a farm to pick her own fruits and veggies. Last Sunday we planned a special day and made the hour drive to learn that what she really wanted was to wear overalls.
First thing on my bucket list is to jump off a cliff and the rest are just tricks I’ll do in the air.
[pulled over]
Cop: Have you been drinking?
Me: No
Cop: *tosses me a sock* Stand on one foot and put this on
Guys! I just heard when women ask “Does this make me look fat?” they know we’ll say no. What they are really testing is HOW FAST WE SAY IT!
that co-worker that never lets you get your shit done.
I’m “my wife will just leave me behind if I loiter too long at Target” years married.
[crime scene]
*detective snaps pics of murder victim*
Corpse: delete it
That’s weird, my waitress stopped flirting after I paid the bill…
Whenever I want my son to visit I tell him our dog keeps going in his old bedroom trying to find him.
trying not to judge stupid people too harshly anymore because it turns out i’m people and oh man am i stupid.
Dog: I have mange
Baby Jesus: I have manger
Dog: It’s not a competition
It do be feeling this way.
[elevator doors r closing, i see a woman running to get on. i push the close door button because i gotta be on time for an interview. i get there exactly at 2 and sit down. a few min later the interviewer walks in. it’s the woman from the elevator]
her: *glares*
me: you’re late
Me [greasing brownie pan with my scalp]: I’m just happy that this isolation hasn’t really changed me as a person, you know?
Marriage is alright if you like someone coming home and telling you about their day in the middle of your movie
($800 for an iphone)
oh no problem here you go
(99 cents for an app)
HA I DONT THINK SO PAL MONEY DOESNT GROW ON TREES YA KNOW
Waiter: our chef’s special is a catfish
Me: *flips table* I KNEW IT
My forté is using words like forté with aplomb while using words like aplomb as though it were my forté.