Me: I still have water in my ears from yesterday. I can’t hear the kids.
Wife: You should shake it out.
Me: Why would I want to do that?
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“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
#HatDadJoke
They say a woman deserves a man that looks at her every day like it’s the first time he’s seen her. It’s wrong to promote Alzheimer’s.
I sleep better naked, why cant the flight attendant understand that?
Guys, if you waste the opportunity to sing Taylor Swift’s “Shake It Off” to other fellas at the urinals, you might as well just use a stall.
Me: Can I get you a drink?
Her: I don’t know. Can you?
Me: *checking wallet* No.
God: check this out
Angel: [peering down at Earth] wow it’s chaos down there, what did you do
God: I made parking cost $10
Me: Achoo!
People trying to scare me: Boo!
My bladder: I hate October.
I like to play this fun game while I clean out the fridge called what is this, how long has it been in here and how do I kill it?
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re just going to take them to an IKEA instead.
I should not have taken this before my big rap battle
I hate when scientists are like “some insects can see colors we can’t.” Like ok? What colors? Quickly.
Squid really does seem like the perfect name for that thing
It’s pretty wild how we used to lick each other to say hello
Every workplace has a hard worker like this! 🤣🤣
Motion-activated paper towel dispensers should define what motion activates them. I’ve yet to get one until I’ve done the entire hokie-pokie
Press 1 for English
Press 2 For SpanishPress 1 or 2 for Indian
Once I went to a concert and I tried to throw my panties up on the stage but I suck at throwing so they landed in the crowd like four feet ahead of me and I was asking some guy, “Hey can I get my underwear back? Sir. Can I please. Get my underwear back. Excuse me?”
Me: I’ve gone my whole life without having any hearing problems.
Middle age: Hold my beer.
Me: What?
I thought I’d buy all my scratch off lottery tickets at the busiest gas station in town. What? Oh no I don’t know which ones I’ll pick them out when i get to the register
My husband: Can I ask a really stupid question
Me: More than anyone I know
my life is ruined
i wish to live no morenever mind i found the remote.
When birds poop on my car, I eat a plate of scrambled eggs on my front porch just so they know what I’m capable of.
I need all your thoughts and prayers, I’m fine, but my niece is staying with us and I forgot how many questions a 9 year old asks
I’m not scared of clowns, I’m scared of the man who chooses to become one.
God: *reading from clipboard* The snout on the elephant isn’t working so we need to replace it before release.
Angel: One step ahead of you!
God: What did you do?!
Elephant: Quack
I’d totally bang him, but how awkward would the job interview be after that?
didn’t receive my miso soup. how do i send a picture of something that didn’t arrive pls deliveroo?
[someone is rude to me online]
It’s really not worth getting upset over this[someone is rude to my friend online]
Well, I guess I gotta make some stranger cry today